What Does 'The Right' Relationship Look Like?

There's something sensible about the phases of courtship that exist in various cultures. Whether the marriage is arranged or progresses according to some understood societal norm, it is a good thing when both parties know where they stand and there are clear rules of progression and engagement in the relationship. This doesn't mean that the rules are always fair, but at least they are clear. Western society has done away with many rules turning relationships on their head and they often look something like this:

Sex-dating-friendship-love-marriage-kids-who the hell are you?!-divorce-alimony

Sometimes the order changes and some things are excluded. In general some things occur simultaneously. In other societies courtship looks like this:

Betrothal-marriage-sex-kids-dating-friendship-love (maybe)-divorce-bankruptcy (for the woman, a new wife for the man then bankruptcy)

Neither is a particularly attractive option and surely no one really plans things with bankruptcy in mind. But since we live in a 'Westernised' world we will proceed with the according understanding. A relationship that has no true beginning save for sex is built on insecurity. Are you 'dating', just sexual partners, a fling - what are you? This confusion is often what makes the 'dating' world the jungle that it is and is a good foundation for a shaky relationship.

The Biblical proposition that we order our relationships something like the following makes sense somehow:

Friendship-dating-love-marriage/commitment-sex-kids-death

Yes, idyllic, but it's something to shoot for isn't it? That's why we have ideals. Complications later in a relationship often arise because of mis-ordering earlier in a relationship - not that mis-ordering cannot be remedied or overcome. But one of the advantages of abstinence, for example, is the absence of the temptation to compare past sexual experiences with your present partner. That can be a real downer.

Now one can say experience is a wise teacher. But experience can also be a stubborn master, carving out habits and tendencies in an individual that make it that much more difficult to form subsequent relationships successfully. Mind you, very few ever 'get it right' the first time out. But deciding what form your 'first times' will take might have a real impact on the really big 'first times' that have even deeper impacts on life and love*.

Of course, everything is easier said than done, and there are a few variables that we often have no control over that potentially change our lives and selves in ways we perhaps wish they didn't. That said, we do the best we can with what we have, and one person's 'best' may differ greatly from another's.

Keep in mind that I have no idea what I'm talking about, but if you get something from this...then clearly I'm a genius.