What Does 'The Right' Relationship Look Like?

There's something sensible about the phases of courtship that exist in various cultures. Whether the marriage is arranged or progresses according to some understood societal norm, it is a good thing when both parties know where they stand and there are clear rules of progression and engagement in the relationship. This doesn't mean that the rules are always fair, but at least they are clear. Western society has done away with many rules turning relationships on their head and they often look something like this:

Sex-dating-friendship-love-marriage-kids-who the hell are you?!-divorce-alimony

Sometimes the order changes and some things are excluded. In general some things occur simultaneously. In other societies courtship looks like this:

Betrothal-marriage-sex-kids-dating-friendship-love (maybe)-divorce-bankruptcy (for the woman, a new wife for the man then bankruptcy)

Neither is a particularly attractive option and surely no one really plans things with bankruptcy in mind. But since we live in a 'Westernised' world we will proceed with the according understanding. A relationship that has no true beginning save for sex is built on insecurity. Are you 'dating', just sexual partners, a fling - what are you? This confusion is often what makes the 'dating' world the jungle that it is and is a good foundation for a shaky relationship.

The Biblical proposition that we order our relationships something like the following makes sense somehow:

Friendship-dating-love-marriage/commitment-sex-kids-death

Yes, idyllic, but it's something to shoot for isn't it? That's why we have ideals. Complications later in a relationship often arise because of mis-ordering earlier in a relationship - not that mis-ordering cannot be remedied or overcome. But one of the advantages of abstinence, for example, is the absence of the temptation to compare past sexual experiences with your present partner. That can be a real downer.

Now one can say experience is a wise teacher. But experience can also be a stubborn master, carving out habits and tendencies in an individual that make it that much more difficult to form subsequent relationships successfully. Mind you, very few ever 'get it right' the first time out. But deciding what form your 'first times' will take might have a real impact on the really big 'first times' that have even deeper impacts on life and love*.

Of course, everything is easier said than done, and there are a few variables that we often have no control over that potentially change our lives and selves in ways we perhaps wish they didn't. That said, we do the best we can with what we have, and one person's 'best' may differ greatly from another's.

Keep in mind that I have no idea what I'm talking about, but if you get something from this...then clearly I'm a genius.

How Do You Know When It's Love?

We all have asked this question. We ask because we want guarantees. We ask because we don't want heartbreak. But if it is love...

1. You won't be scared...eventually.Yes when it's serious it can be scary. The deeper you are the harder you land. The potential for pain and disappointment increase proportionately with how bad you got it. But, when you're in love you get over that because love is willing to take the risk. And once it's willing, it's no longer afraid.

2.There is no future...there is a future. When it's real you simply can't imagine life without that person. Now, wanting what's best for them means being willing to let go - but that doesn't mean you're gonna be happy about it. Don't get this mixed up with wanting to keep them tied up your basement - that's something else entirely. Still, if you're happy being bored with them - that's a good sign.

3.They are home. No they won't always be home, but you always.feel at home with them. No need to impress, no anxiety and silence is ok. It's the kind of comfort that doesn't need roses to feel romantic. You like who you are with them.

4.You don't need a reason. There's no need to check the list of 'things you want' off because intuitively they are there. While romance is all nice, real life without the fancy decor is good enough to enjoy them. At the same time you don't need a special occasion to splash on some bells & whistles.

5.The more you know them, the more you like. That's a good sign that you like what's beneath the skin, not just the skin.

I knew this guy who once said, 'you can fall in love with anybody' I now know that was a steaming pile of verbal manure. You can't fall in love with anybody. You hardly have a choice who you fall for, though you do have a choice about what happens after. But that's not what these thoughts are about, that's part II.

Caster Semenya: Once a Victor, Twice a Victim

Australian Newspaper The Daily Telegraph has scooped the long awaited results of 800m World Champion, Caster Semenya's gender verification tests. According to the Telegraph she is a hermaphrodite.

It turns out that Semenya has no womb or ovaries and 3 times the testosterone of a 'normal' woman. On top of that, she has 'internal testes'  which produce testosterone in men. The Telegraph's source was quoted as saying that the South Africa Athletics Association (ASA) 'have known for months, for years, that she's not normal. They could have set in process these kind of tests if they had been more responsible.''. They do have explaining to do.

If this is true Semenya has been twice shamed, first by the IAAF's insensitive and public handling of the controversy and now the her own Nation's athletics authority that may have had the ability to protect from international media scrutiny and ridicule. No doubt, the South African Government which objected to the IAAF's approach to the allegations of sexism and racism, will be running feverish damage control and madly trying to wipe the egg that is squarely on its face.

This revelation comes after a spread in You South Africa presenting Semenya in very feminine fashion shots. But behind the concerns of gold medals and protocol is the apparent serious health concern for the athlete. She is apparently being urged to undergo corrective surgery as soon as possible.

Beyond even the medical concerns is what the cumulative effect of all the attention and the discovery of her physical ambiguity may be having on the 18 year old. Still more questions abound. Was Semenya aware of her ambiguity? Does this negate the concerns of sexism and racism (no doubt a rabid hatred of blacks did surface in the blogosphere)? Is the IAAF still guilty of impropriety in handling the publicity of the inquiry? And will the IAAF allow her to keep her gold medal? The really big question though: how did the results reach the media and who is this so-called 'leak'?

The answers will come. And if this report is to be trusted we can only hope that the strength Semenya has exhibited thus far will take her though the challenges ahead. 

But Seriously: The 5ive Things Women Most Want

1. Someone they can respect - this comes first only because a man worthy of respect will show the same. Every woman craves a worthy man though power, physical aggression & wealth are often mistaken for the primary qualifiers of integrity, confidence, and diligence. A woman wants a man who can 'handle' her (even testing their partner by crossing the line - sometimes too far - life has enough real tests ladies). But a partner who wins their respect fulfils another valuable female need...

2. Security - women often seek out powerful, rich or physically aggressive men because such things, on their face, should provide a safe environment. One can't run a secure home without a sense of physical, financial and emotional security after all. But the shortfall occurs when actual security is sacrificed for its authentic looking evil brothers. True safety is found in fidelity, honesty & industry.

3. Love & Affection - this could be a lot of things: romance, thoughtfulness, gentleness even predicting/anticipating her needs & fancies. This doesn't mean round the clock concierge service but some demonstration of endearment, physical attraction (not just sexual desire) and understanding of her moods & what influences them. That her partner knows her range of preferences from choice of movie to a dry toilet seat. A dry toilet seat in the down position can be a real turn on. Weird but true. The evil siblings of love & affection are sweet nothings (or lyrics in Jamaica), sex, material gifts (not inherently evil but without sincerity often lead to disappointment at the hands of a Playa) & domination/control of her partner.

4. Laughter - who doesn't want and need to laugh? A man who can help her see the lighter side of situations, challenges & herself is prime real estate and easily beats a hard body or pretty face. A sense of humour is the difference between a conversation & an argument - a problem & an adventure. Laughter's doppleganger is excitement and here sensual stimulation through overindulgence in alcohol/drugs, over-the-top partying & even danger, replace a genuine love for life. Laughter is often a measure of friendship too, and that is the last point.

5.  Friendship - this is where the whole listening phenom comes into play. Friends can be goofy together, mess up and even be at their worst without fear of rejection. Pretty self explanatory. The distortion of friendship is co-dependency: the unrealistic expectation that the partner is her source of happiness and thus responsible for her well-being and vice-versa. It is this relationship that a woman can receive the sense that her opinion & feelings are highly valued.

The points are nothing new and really won't change with time as they are our most basic relational needs. The thing to consider is where we go wrong in our search to fulfil these natural requirements. All dissatisfaction and enmity, suggests CS Lewis,  is firmly founded in the distortion, misinterpretation and dysfunction of not just the needs in question, but our overall human condition.

MJ

There are some people you don't think of as dead and Michael Jackson was one of them.

What I mean is that you assume they will live out their lives to a predictable outcome full of years and perhaps half forgotten, then you hear about their death which you respond to with a brief moment of sadness and fond nostalgia. But Jackson's death was so sudden and unexpected - what with a new tour just about to kick off - that there's almost  a kind of 'phantom limb' effect. A sort of static image left in that space in the collective psyche into which he was firmly placed.

The only other time the world seemed to gasp in disbelief and shared pain on this level, was when Princess Diana was killed - an event that lingered long with the Senior Fayed seeking his own brand of closure for years after.

For the generations that grew up entertained and educated by MJ's culture (and he was a centre of culture) his passing has revealed just how an individual can so perfectly fill a need, which perhaps we didn't even know we had, but was completely satisfied. For years he determined what we listened to and watched, how we danced, what we spoke about and even how we dressed.

Even though the footprints he left behind weren't always in perfect step it didn't matter, it was all a part of the mosaic that contributed to our cultural landscape. Whether it was his latest music video or surgical procedure or lawsuit - we followed it, and if we didn't follow it the media made sure that it followed us. No doubt his passing will be debated for months to come, and based on family spokesperson (though I suspect he is not in any sense official) Brian Oxman's tirade about 'enablers' and 'drugs', there will be those who will attempt to get as much mileage out of his passing for personal gain.

Oxman, speaking on CNN, began what sounded like a tearful, sincere report on the latest developments  from the hospital, ended his interview by turning the attention on himself, claiming to have predicted MJ's demise. Oxman referenced Anna Nicole Smith's death as a parallel for Jackson's situation - a star surrounded by people who meant him no good, plying him with drugs eventually leading to his death. Oxman vacillated between not knowing the cause of death to declaring near certainty. I suspect we will see much more of him.

In this age we are rarely given a moment of pause to digest events such as this. The irony is not lost on me that even now I am contributing to the ceaseless conversation. But perhaps, for a change, our writing and reading and watching and listening will be a collective mourning rather than just a media frenzy. For the media frenzy is sure to follow fast and furious. But whatever we think of MJ he spent himself on us. He seemed to pour himself out from near infancy to this day...for us. There is an undeniable ache of pity, gratitude and sympathy we feel for the dichotomy of his life: The breathtaking stage legend and the awkward even reclusive man-child. I can't imagine that there isn't a person wishing he is in a place where nothing painful can touch him.

Many of us may feel that a part of our childhood has died. It has.

Michael, you made us dance. Thank you.

5ive Women You Should NEVER Marry...or date...or carry on casual conversation with

Gentlemen - this is vital to your survival as a normal functioning member of society. Should you encounter any of the following women - RUN LIKE HELL! Or pay the price. As for the Ladies who will inevitably read this out of curiousity or to find out if they made the list...you know I'm right.

1. Manny Manny This one is obvious and is known by other names. Fill in the blanks: H_e and Sk_t_l. Got it? You may have been initially attracted by the strategic absence of clothing and come hither looks. She is a recipe for disaster as her prime motive is to attract men - any men, all the time. She is charming, funny, sometimes appears innocent and features in Proverbs 5-7 (she may or may not bite her nails while waiting at the stoplight with a 'I'm lost' expression). You are only one of the many victims. Your only escape is to think with your brain - your brain. Got it?! If you fall prey - it's your own fault. You will eventually be attacked by the guy who thought he was her one and only. She has never had - nor will ever have a 'one and only'.

2. Psycho-Me Me The Psycho first catches your ear by somehow getting you into an argument. Her main means of appropriating attention is anger & conflict. She can turn anything into an argument with her power of super-attention-getting. She behaves like she hates your guts and hence targets 'nice guys' who will want to quell the conflict she artificially created. Like a piece of unwanted sticky-tape, you try to shake her off only to find she is stuck on the back of your head. She manipulates via anger & guilt and shouting is standard communication. Once she gets an emotional reaction from you - she has won!

3. Daddy Eyes If she mentions her Dad within the first 10 minutes of meeting you - RUN! This lady thinks her Dad is perfection and whether she knows it or not, wants to marry him. This means that no man is ever good enough for her. Dating her will lead to continuous comparison of yourself against the maginificence of her Dad and your self-esteem will dwindle to mere burning embers. She is likely to be spoilt and used to getting her own way, so the only solution to engagement with her is to say 'look your Dad', then make a mad dash for the door.

4. Histrionic Hottie Histrionic personality disorder is a real psychological affliction. The patient looooooves attention and will do anything to get it include getting sick. If she senses your attention being drawn away from her by petty things like work, family, the game etc. she will not just feign illness but present real physical pain/symptoms in order to get the attention back to herself. She will not be happy until every waking moment of your life is dedicated to her whims and fancy. Attending to this one is a full time job and everyday demands overtime.

5. One-Up Control Freak This Freak is characterized by an intense fascination and love for herself. She is constantly amazed by her own intelligence and ability to be correct 100% of the time. Her desire is to prove her greatness to you by outdoing you in everything. If a woman challenges you to arm wrestle it is likely she is the OUCF. She thinks your faults are proof of her own greatness and believes completely unrelated facts, like some female spiders eating their male counterparts, are sufficient evidence for her to dominate and rule you with an iron fist.

Homophobia Jamaican Style

Fear VS Fair

Jamaica's hostility toward homosexuality is world renown. It was in 1992 on a British programme called The Word, that the Island hit the homophobe map with a resounding Shabba Ranks sounding thud that can still be heard today. Shabba famously called for homosexuals to be 'crucified', and well the rest is history - and so is his career. Buju Banton also featured on the programme with his anti-gay song Boom Bye-Bye, and has also been paying for this statement to this day, effectively banned from performing in certain countries and venues, along with other Jamaican DJ's.

One of the latest moves against Jamaican homophobia is an initiative called Boycott Jamaica where people are encouraged to boycott all things Jamaican including Jamaican-made products and even visiting the Island. The two-fold goal of the site is to force the Government to 'Publicly commit to end gay bashing on the island and improve the human rights situation' and get 'A statement from the Prime Minister clearly and unequivocally condemning violence against GLBT people and expressing regret for past violence'.

The goals are fair enough, but the method may not be the best. Indeed, this method may very well work against the initiative, after all the economy isn't the cause of homophobia and shouldn't be the target. Why should businesses with no relationship to Jamaica's homophobia be targeted? In fact Red Stripe Beer which features on Boycott Jamaica's site is no longer a Jamaican product, but a part of British multi-national Diageo's portfolio. Poverty begets violence, and effectively creating more poverty is not likely to generate sympathy for the gay rights cause. Indeed, the potential backlash against this strategy of economic embargo might exacerbate anti-gay sentiment. In short, a cultural problem can't be solved with a purely economic or legislative effort.

Culture War

This is not to say that legislation has no place, but that the Jamaican problem goes beyond homophobia and into a dysfunctional attitude toward sexuality in general - something legislation can't solve. Jamaican society is uncomfortable not just with male sexuality but human sexuality. There is an immaturity in the approach to male sexuality that was almost humorously illustrated by the public reaction to a work of art erected in a park in Kingston's commercial district. The sculpture, pictured below, drew hostile cristicism due to the depiction of the male phallus. The well-endowed female figure seemed to sit well with the public, but apparently the size and overt display of the male organ was too much to bear.

The offending member - Emancipation Park, New Kingston, Jamaica

There is nothing homo-erotic about the statue given its subjects, but nothing overtly sexual either, save for the nudity which doesn't necessarily have erotic overtones. Indeed, the reaction toward the statue says something about the society. At least some Jamaicans see nakedness in a purely sexual way - the artistry is lost on them.

The depiction of sexuality through some aspects of Jamaican culture can be extreme, bawdy and caricatured. A popular a song called Rampin' Shop set the Island's Broadcasting Commission into action getting banned from airplay and bringing more stringent regulation of Jamaican airwaves. The song was also tied to the dance phenomenon called 'Daggering', a violent choreographic simulation of sex that even featured in two recent Newsweek articles. Now bawdy depictions of sex are not unique to Jamaica, the peculiarities lie in the attitude to male sexuality and the general insecurity surrounding the male sexual role even in heterosexual relationships. Daggering is unquestionably an exaggeration of virility, unrealistic and apparently dangerous (the Newsweek article reported an increase in 'broken penises' in Jamaica, apparently related to the Daggering craze). Extreme representations of sex in any culture tend to betray an insecurity that stifles a mature and healthy approach to sex and the related issue of the human body. But this fear of male sexuality is taken to the extreme when some Jamaican men, choosing to avoid saying the word 'man' altogether wherever it appears in the English language, take words like 'manifesto' and 'Manchester' and 'feminize' or 'de-homosexualize' them to 'wo-manifesto' and 'wo-Manchester'. Decidedly juvenile.

Get it straight

Jamaica needs to be acquainted with healthy, normal sexuality, before it can learn to embrace or at least tolerate homosexuality. Indeed the homophobia may be a result of the deeper heterosexual male insecurity. Some aspects of Jamaican culture suggest men are to be hard, emotionally detached and agreessive and hence angry and isolated, as well as exceptionally virile and able to satisfy multiple partners. A sensitive approach to sex isn't compatible with this destructive macho ideal.

Despite the fact that Shabba's tirade and Buju's Boom By Bye are almost 20 years old, they still feature in contemporary gay advocacy material. British physical theatre group DV8 featured Boom Bye-Bye and Jamaica's homophobia in a recent production, To Be Straight With You. Based on transcribed interviews the production illustrated, with stunning effect, the plight of homosexuals in Jamaica, Pakistan and African nations. With no overt references to sexuality itself, it was ideal for a society that is still undecided about same-sex relationships. It might be wise to fight culture with culture, and this may have already started.

Jamaica's energetic theatre scene featured at least one very popular character that oozed homo-eroticism (a male actor played a homosexual cross-dresser) and celebrated a very well known choreographer (now deceased) who was allegedly on open homosexual or even bi-sexual. This suggests a disparity between public assertions and private opinions and experience. Indeed, some believe much of the most visible anti-gay sentiment arises from closet gays (a vicious circle?). At any rate, attacking a nation, an economy and a culture that is already suspicious of Western intent (given the colonial and slave history) may not be the best method of seeking equality - and certainly not the only method available.

(Since this article another a gay rights group out of Spain is lobbying for the EU to boycott Jamaica)

Women: 5ive Things Men don't Want You to Know (if we really thought about it...which we haven't)

To be fair, we do have to speak to the male issue.

It is already known we're none too bright, so the following 'secrets' may not be too novel, and women probably already know them. I'm in no danger from my brothers because they will either not read this or lose interest by the 4th line.

It should also be noted that men generally do not tell secrets because we rarely get a word in edgewise and hence when trying to say something - anything - it may be completely unintelligible. To a man, after all, being able to convey more then three words to a woman without being interrupted is a monumental accomplishment indeed and when we do get a chance to speak we are so surprised that we usually don't know what to say. Apart from that our block-headed transparency and womankind's prodigious intuition leaves us unable to have any secrets whatsoever.

Some of these points may also come in the form of free advice to women and give just a tad bit more insight into the male mind - what little of it there is.

Here goes!

1. Men DO care what you think/feel. Contrary to all evidence we do! It's just that we care for a maximum of 2,500 words or 5 minutes of sharing your feelings. After that we physically cannot ingest the torrent of emotions that you unleash upon us. As the ones who adore you we take your feelings personally. So when you are berating us as if we were the woman at work who wants to 'destroy you' it is an incredibly traumatic experience for us. We just think that if you realized we really care about your feelings you may never stop telling us what they are. Further, the woman sets the tone of any home - if you are happy, the home is happy. If you are miserable you will ensure everyone else is at least as miserable as you. So, we have a vested interest in your feelings.

2. We don't tell you our thoughts/feelings for your own protection. This is serious business. As men we think a great deal about several things including: nothing, what we would do if we were a cyborg, what life would be like if we never met you (sad, it would be very sad), what if someone attacked us with a chainsaw, are you trying to kill us and a host of other very disturbing and unhealthy material unfit for a woman's sensibilities. We just want to do our part to increase the peace. But having written this, the risk is run that you will absolutely want to know what we are thinking to find out if this point is true. Resist the temptation.

3. The reason we don't react the way you do, is because we are trying not to have a heart attack. Many women tend to think their man doesn't care about an issue because he doesn't react with the drama/emotion she does. The thinking behind this is that we want to help you be calm and also keep our own blood pressure in check. Using what could be considered logic, we think that what you will wear to work doesn't warrant tears, panic and nervous breakdowns. However, we do think that terminal illness and bankruptcy is worthy of a healthy dose of panic and a good 'freak out' is warranted for such things. We may even participate. However, if you do wish to 'go ballistic' upon discovering the extra $2 on the grocery bill, please allow us to be excused from the exercise - but we fully support your right to an emotional meltdown for any reason of your choosing. Men who have heart attacks have been unsuccessful at excusing themselves from the aforementioned meltdowns (may they rest in peace...finally).

4. We're as dumb as you think. Now we will never admit this - who would? In fact my admission of this proves this point. The problem with this point is that we are not entirely sure just how dumb you think we are - but you are probably quite accurate in your determination. Still, it is essential to prove you wrong in order for us to feel that we are worthy of your attention, affection and love. That said, our 'dumbness' may not be in the traditional sense of the term - men have proven they are smart enough to invent amazing technology, it's just that the technology primarily revolves around blowing things up - that's the dumb part.

5. We actually do have emotions. Yes this one is hard to believe and we don't blame you. We show our emotions very rarely but for a good reason - the last time we showed them you thought we were wussy pushovers and had no idea what we were talking about or 'where we were going with this'. By the time you were done with us we realized that what we felt was completely inaccurate and we had no right to be meddling with feelings and emotions in the first place. As it is, the safest range of emotions currently shown by men are: angry, hungry, football and randy (look it up - it's a Brit term). We will show an even broader range of emotions if you can guarantee you won't laugh at us at the informal gatherings in the ladies room (yes we know about the 'Gatherings').

As a bonus, I will add that men get together and talk about you like you get together and talk about them. We don't mock you though we do commiserate on the perplexities of the female-of-the-species. But in the end there is no doubt we are crazy about you - crazy being the operative word.

C. Arthur Young

5ive Things I Don't Get

You might be thinking 'who are you and why would I care about what you don't get?' Good question for which I don't have a good answer, except to say you might agree and hence find commiseration, or you might disagree vehemently and have someone to vent at. Either way, you're welcome.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="180" caption="Hundreds regret their deodorant oversight"][/caption]

1. CARNIVAL. I know there are many self-proclaimed 'Carnival Te Te's' out there - no disrespect. If you enjoy it then have a good 'un. But I just don't see the fun in tromping half-naked in public in very close proximity to sweaty strangers (hepatitis comes to mind) in the boiling hot sun from one point to another. It's like the movement of refugees but with bottled spring water, sparkly pants & music - very repetitive music to which only one dance move can be done i.e. chip an' wine. Furthermore - I would have to pay to do this! I'm sorry, but if I was to participate in a carnival roadmarch someone would have to pay me!

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="135" caption="Dress Shoe/Flipper combo?"][/caption]

2.POINTY MEN'S SHOES. They're in style and they're pointy (Winkle Pickers I understand they are called), sometimes with a little upturned toe to complete the Rumpelstilskinian look. But why would any normal footed male want to cram his feet into shoes that taper to a point merely milimeters across? Women apparently loooooove this stuff - but guys? Where is your sense of....common sense? If you wanted to make shish kebab with the tip of your shoe then fine. But surely getting from point A to point B would either be exceptionally painful or terribly embarrasing - I'm almost certain these shoes are a danger to small scurrying animals.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="144" caption="Television for masochists"][/caption]

3.LIFETIME TV. Ok, every single story is about a woman who 'has to learn to love again' after being wronged by some jerk of a man. She spends the next 60 minutes crying and shouting at her 'estranged daughter', then meets a wonderful man who helps her to 'learn to love again'. And the film titles! Anything from 'The Deserted Wife' to 'I Lost my Daughter to a Man I Don't Trust' One doesn't have to guess the plot. Sigh. Why? Why all the depression and man-hating? Indeed, why all the misogyny? Lifetime can't be good for people struggling with depression and very likely contributes to the number of those who do.

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="144" caption="Every way is the right way. Wrong!"][/caption]

4.MORAL RELATIVISM. The idea that morality is totally subjective, up to each individual to decide and there is no such thing as a 'sin'/wrongness just doesn't make sense. This would mean that the Holocaust & the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade have no wrongness whatsover - indeed nothing would be wrong including pedophilia or even cheating on one's spouse. Jews, Africans, parents & children and spouses are likely to have a few feelings about the morality of the aforementioned list. Moral relativism suggests that nothing is wrong with everything - make sense? No, I don't think so either.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="126" caption="Distilled essence of nastiness"][/caption]

5.MARMITE. YUUUUUUCK! If you don't know, you're one of the blessed. Nuff said.

I myself will add to this list but if there are things you 'don't get' please feel free to add em. For example - you may 'not get' people who don't get Carnival - touche.

Men: 5ive Secrets Women Don't Want You To Know (there are more but space is limited)

An Introduction to the Induction
What you are about to read could put your life (and mine) in grave danger. These are things men are not permitted to know and have the potential to bring down the deep, wide and altogether monolithic superstructure that is Womanhood.

Certainly, what I am about to reveal has been a closely gaurded secret since Eve conspired with the snake/serpent/devil to swindle Adam out of Creation (of course now we know Eve swindled both Adam AND the Serpent who now has a one way ticket to the darkest pits of hell).

I have (like all men) come to suspect that a written manifesto has been circulating since Gutenburg invented the printing press, passed on orally before that time, amongst women. This manifesto outlines all the rules, goals, aims and techniques of womanhood - it is the reason for both the power women hold over men and the paradoxical state of simultaneous unity and disunity in womankind.

This WoManifesto is the reason why the female of the species all seem to agree on everything regarding men, can communicate non-verbally at incredibly long distances, all love to sing 'I Will Survive' angrily at their men even if happily married/dating and never been cheated on, watch and cry at the Lifetime Channel and a host of other interesting and terrifying facts I can't get into now for fear of my life. Indeed my source must remain undisclosed, but it is likely that the content is very nearly verbatim.

Now it is well known that men have no such manifesto - and this is our greatest weakness and failing. Like Black people, men have no sense of unity or organization - hence we are left vulnerable and easily exploited by those who are well mobilized by a singular purposeful focus. Women, knowing how stupid we are, have taken full advantage of this, hence the contents of this note have the potential to upset the balance of power. But as men are blockheads - they won't be reading this, they will be watching the NBA Playoffs and the FA Cup - two sporting events invented by women to ensure sustained domination.

The Secrets

1. Do nothing by accident. That's right, you never met your significant other 'by chance' as you have hitherto thought. It was all planned at least 5 days in advance when you 'accidentally bumped into her' at the bank. It was orchestrated by her and perhaps with the help of other women as has everything since that time. The spontaneous way she asks you about about the financial plan for the next 5 years has been planned for years before. The fact that she demands you give her and answer in 5 minutes is part of her domination strategy. You will of course feel like a thoughtless fool - this is when she proposes her completely 'spontaneous' financial outlay. It should be noted that arguments are precipitated for specific purposes among them 'to see how he will react', 'to generate guilt' (see point 5), 'because there is nothing else to do' and indeed some women think that lack of arguments mean the relationship is not 'real'.

2. Don't trust anyone - especially each other. Women are incessantly and perpetually paranoid. They don't trust anyone - least of all other women because they all know what is in the confounded WoManifesto and know that they cannot be trusted. Men would feel the same way - but we don't know what's in the said manifesto and it's better that way. Women (and they are separated into various types - but that is another expose altogether) have corporate and individual aims. Some have no other goal but to get other women's men to look at them in order to make other women feel unattractive and they themselves can feel like a hotty. If a man looks at them, but he is single - it is worthless. The single most powerful thing a woman can do is 'steal' another woman's man as it elevates her in the pecking order. This is why women don't trust other women.

3. Pretend like you don't know what's going on. This is very important and is the basis for controlling mankind. Helpless females don't actually exist - they are expert mechanics, rocket scientists, tyre changers etc - ALL OF THEM. But pretending like they don't have a clue about certain things primes a man for endless service and makes him 'feel manly'. This 'manly' feeling is addictive and keeps us subservient. More importantly however, is emotional control. After thoroughly emasculating you through constant verbal attacks she will then wonder out loud what it could possibly be that's bothering you once you pluck up the courage to say something about the perpetual onslaught. She will appear completely oblivious and admit that all she wanted to do was to express that she thought you were the kitchen floor - an honest mistake.

4. Never be satisfied - even if you are. A central teaching in the WoManifesto. Once a woman knows her man loves her it is essential that she never express happiness and satisfaction. A man in love will do anything to make his woman happy - if she is not happy he will keep trying until she is. Hence, in order to ensure a steady stream of happiness-inducing acts one must never, ever under any circumstances express contentment or satisfaction in case he loses his edge and 'drops off of shape'. This of course comes with the risk that he may look for a woman he can satisfy - but they don't exist anyway, so he is doomed. Part of this 'quest of dissatisfaction' is perfecting the art of blaming everything - EVERYTHING - on the man. Once he believes everything is his fault (and it is - see I have been successfully indoctrinated) control is a fait accompli.

5. When in doubt - get angry or cry. To a man, a woman's anger/tears is more terrifying than anything else in Creation. Men would prefer to endure marauding wild animals, warfare and/or a vicious physical assault by drunken strangers (or assualt a stranger while drunk) than deal with a woman's anger/tears, this is proven by the level of violence and warfare in society. But this is a good last resort when on the verge of having to admit a weakness, error or mistake and is closely linked to point 4. This is part of another effort of some women to remain at the centre of attention at all times - but this will be elaborated on at another time - when it is decidedly safer.

Women who get angry at or disagree with these points are merely exercising points 3 and 5 - don't be fooled.

NOTE: Men are marginal in this manifesto as a means to an ends - the real battle is amongst women. Men provide little or no resistance but women are much more worthy adversaries for each other and spend inordinate amounts of time trying to get the one up on each other. No one knows why just yet - including women themselves.

PS I love my Empress

C. Arthur Young

But Seriously: Men & Women...roles, rumours, relationships

The conversation about men & women is often fun, sometimes strident and certainly perpetual.  Time for a few thoughts on the raging battle. Read this excerpt from Ephesians 5: 22-33:

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

The reactions to this passage usually range from revulsion and incredulity, to disgust and fear, and if you're a man, happiness - with convenient misinterpretation. But like many scriptures it is widely misunderstood. I'm not an expert on the Bible, but my intuition tells me that the Bible is not just a book of rules or commands, but an insightful text that points out facts about human and Divine nature and how both those things 'work'.

In my opinion, this passage is telling us about the most basic but profound needs of men and women in the love relationship. The person with the most power (and responsibility) over you on earth is the one whom with you are in love. They have the potential to hurt and/or inspire you more deeply than any other person.

Now each Biblical role is seriously challenging, submission for women and total self-sacrifice for men. But something tells me that a woman would have little trouble entrusting herself (and that is what I believe submission to be) to a man she felt completely loved by and who would die for her. Likewise, I can't imagine any reasonable man would hesitate to lay down his life for a woman he felt genuinely respected him and demonstrated loyalty and devotion.

It is my belief that the last sentence of the excerpt is the core statement: men above all else desire respect, and women above all else desire love and affection. Both are expressions of love, but each incarnation is an articulation in accordance with the way the respective genders consume love.

Women look for a man they can respect, who knows how and when to 'put his foot down' with anyone - including her, but is also considerate and gentle though firm and strong in character. A man loves a strong and outspoken woman who wants to uplift rather than compete against him - who will 'be on his side' and truly believe in him.

We are in the realm of the ideal right now - so clearly this passage is proposing the goal and aspiration. Men may balk at the idea that such a woman exists and women laugh at the possibility of such a prince. But as much as we sometimes fall - sometimes we are this ideal. The idea would be to become this ideal more of the time than not - and that will take not just time but intent, effort, practice and yes - Divine intervention. The built in failsafe is that each role is meant to compensate for the reality of human frailty.

If you give thought to some of the central conflicts of the man/woman relationship they revolve around issues of love and respect - usually surfacing through communication. It would take a profound sense of security and self-confidence to fulfil either of these roles. A sense of security and strength that would not find its genesis in the relationship itself but, I believe, from the Divine and from within the individual. A relationship that demonstrates fluency in the stated direction is one where each individual is bringing that peace, security, confidence, strength and Divine connection to the table. And one can only get what one pursues.

Issues of authority and leadership also arise and make this passage ever more controversial. But ask yourself if fighting for 'control' ever made you happy. Then ask yourself is having complete control ever made your partner happy. For both men and women the issue is not control - it's surrender.

The roles outlined by the scripture, in my opinion, relate to the natural needs of the parties rather than enforcing some unnatural order. One can assume the roles imply silence and non-participation for the woman and complete control and lordship for the man - but that would be a mistake. However, if that's what one wants it may be what one gets. Either way, for any relationship to work there must be an agreed order of some kind with which both parties are happy. No order, no plan, no agreement will lead to more conflict - disorder always does. Leadership doesn't imply superiority but responsibility and servanthood and any sensible leader will recognize the strengths (and weaknesses) of those in his care. Indeed the kind of leadership that scripture advocates subordinates the needs of the leader for the needs of those in his care.

The problem is the 'you first' mindset. If no one wants to fulfil their role until they are sure the other does so first - then there will be an impasse; constant conflict. So, if one person fails the other withdraws their offer of respect or love, as the case may be. Or one partner spends more time pointing out the other’s responsibility rather fulfilling his or her own. If one does not consider their partner worthy of self-sacrifice or respect then one should consider the future, value or at least purpose of the relationship (perhaps it is purely for entertainment or self-satisfaction).

Now, when we bring weighty issues like abuse, infidelity/adultery, apathy and such into the discussion, things get more complicated. Not every relationship works out and it can't be fun to be in a one-sided affair. But if our actions and attitudes are completely dependent on another, then who is really in control? Perhaps if we pursued the kind of very profound Divine confidence that no mortal can give us our relationships would benefit profoundly.

It is my belief that virtues like respect and love are not things you do - but things you are. And wherever you go and whomever you go with, there you are.

C. Arthur Young