Wives of the BNP Video

Waist Not, Want Not: The Odd Fact About UK Jeans Size

For years I was a 32 inch waist. For years I've been an average man - at least in my jeans size. It seemed almost impossible to find a 32/30 pair of jeans because every other guy was the same size, or so it seemed. Always sold out. I did most of my shopping in the US by the way.

Then I moved to the to UK where, for some strange reason, I achieved a 33 inch waste. Eureka! One inch over the average and free to find my size of choice! But I say thee nay! Alas, it was not be. UK trouser sizes (they don't call em pants - pants are underwear in the UK) do not come in odd numbers.

That's right. You can get 32 and 34 - but not 33 or 35! Now, you can understand that I felt especially picked on by the fashion gods. At the very moment my waist grew, my size option evaporated into a geographic and cultural vortex. Now everywhere I look, what do I see? Size 32/30. My option is to squeeze into a 32 - which I can't, unless I follow the trend and wear my jeans at my knees. Or fladdap around in a 34/30.

Still, the deities (nay Imps) of couture have not yet triumphed! I, like Kratos of God of War I, II and soon to be III, fame (Copyright Playstation or something like that), will carve and/or tailor my own destiny! With careful thought I have calculated that a low-rise, button fly 34/30 can fit me like a glove - but only if it is purchased at a Next store. If I buy the same at a Gap outlet I will look decidedly hippie (in terms of physiognomy not ideology).

What baffles me is how the British male manages to ensure that his waist size is only even-numbered. Is it genetic programming or a product of evolution? Has fashion sense crept into our biology? Perhaps British men have been secretly bio-engineered to achieve only even numbered waist sizes and this is a conspiracy to reduce immigrant numbers! Surely there is something in the food (making Tesco complicit) that causes non-Brits waists to shrink or grow to odd-numbered sizes as is appropriate. This inability to find proper trouser size renders them a walking fashion faux pas and sends them running teary-eyed back to their country of origin and their foolish odd-numbered trouser boutiques!

It is an ingenious and diabolical plan, if it is indeed a plan. Truly ruthless. Still, this strict adherence to even-numbered waist sizes may explain the Brit males odd fashion sense (hahaha 'odd'...forget it). UK sizes seem to fit smaller than US (or I am just trending to lardiness) and UK men seem to like a nice tight pair of jeans that sags (if something tight can sag) just below their upper butt crack - which I will refer to as the bruptk. The British bruptk seems to be of vital importance and must be displayed as often as possible (a tradition long practiced by plumbers and handy-men the world over). This is not to be confused with the African American Hip-Hop trend of showing off the brand of underwear (or pants in the UK) one is currently wearing. Bruptks don't make an appearance in such cases.

All told my choice is to either drop a Jeans size or put on 1.4 Kilos. I shan't risk the latter as middle age and the ominous threat of a genetic predisposition to a spare tire growls at the door. The former is more likely, though running teary-eyed back to the Motherland is always a viable option. But with any luck I will trip on the jeans that would have fallen around my ankles. The Fashion gods will point derisively and laugh with uproarious laughter as I lay prone and weeping on the catwalk of life.


I thank you!

5ive Things I Don't Get: from Jazz notes to Horn Tooting

1. Jazz - Have you ever watched someone listen to Jazz? They get this expression that's a cross between severe constipation and extreme discontent with the state of the world's economy - chin on fist. Music that has this effect can't be good for you. Jazz was invented by people who want to feel that what they listen to is real music but is actually a group of people doing whatever they feel like with what happens to be a musical instrument. Jazz is the modern art of the music world. If used soap or a toilet bowl can pass as art - then I guess Jazz can pass as music.

Honk if you're Hangry

2. Darn Tootin' - in places like the UK and Canada horn tooting is reserved only for very, very special occasions. In Jamaica we horn toot every chance we get. We have the 'thanks for giving me way' short beep, the 'the light just turned green .000001 milliseconds ago I can't believe you're still sitting there motionless' double-toot (preferred by taxi drivers), the 'you must be a confounded idiot can't you see I'm trying to run you off the road to get the red light to stop moving abruptly just in front of you' blare (also taxi driver preferred) and finally the 'blouse and skirt bredrin long time mi no see you which part yu deh, tell Aunt Maisi hello for mi and I will see you lata and remember dat ting whe yu have fa mi but no worry bout it still cause wi a good bredrin' rapid fire multi-toot long distance blurt. In the UK they only beep if they are absolutely certain that an approaching vehicle is going to smash into them at a rate that could result in multiple lacerations and the possibility of permanent skeletal and/or motor neurone damage with the likelihood of a lengthy inquiry into the cause of the smash-up coupled with a change in legislation and traffic management. If these things aren't likely then an accident is an acceptable outcome and the polite thing to do.

Route of all evil

3. Jamaican Taxi Drivers - If you don't know then point 2 would have already cued you in. They hold the firm belief that logic, courtesy, traffic laws and the laws of physics do not apply to them. They possess the skill to convince 12 people to squeeze into a 4 seater, successfully naviagate 2-wheel drive sedans in places that 4-wheel drive SUV's dare not go,cause & survive accidents that kill every one of the 12 people they convinced to get into their 4 seater and somehow manage to remain license holders in good standing albeit with 20 traffic citations while I lost my confounded license for 6 months after only 2 tickets! We all secretly want to be Jamaican taxi drivers (and are happy for them to law-break when we upon hiring their service are late).

4. The 12 People Who Squoze Into The 4-Seater Taxi - do I have to explain?

5. Bloggers - yes that's what I said. Especially the narcissists who somehow think anyone should give a hoot what they think about arbitrary lists of stuff nobody really thinks about anyway. Furthermore, who cares what they did or thought yesterday at Cousin Renford's house blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...blahdiblahblah.

But Seriously: The 5ive Things Women Most Want

1. Someone they can respect - this comes first only because a man worthy of respect will show the same. Every woman craves a worthy man though power, physical aggression & wealth are often mistaken for the primary qualifiers of integrity, confidence, and diligence. A woman wants a man who can 'handle' her (even testing their partner by crossing the line - sometimes too far - life has enough real tests ladies). But a partner who wins their respect fulfils another valuable female need...

2. Security - women often seek out powerful, rich or physically aggressive men because such things, on their face, should provide a safe environment. One can't run a secure home without a sense of physical, financial and emotional security after all. But the shortfall occurs when actual security is sacrificed for its authentic looking evil brothers. True safety is found in fidelity, honesty & industry.

3. Love & Affection - this could be a lot of things: romance, thoughtfulness, gentleness even predicting/anticipating her needs & fancies. This doesn't mean round the clock concierge service but some demonstration of endearment, physical attraction (not just sexual desire) and understanding of her moods & what influences them. That her partner knows her range of preferences from choice of movie to a dry toilet seat. A dry toilet seat in the down position can be a real turn on. Weird but true. The evil siblings of love & affection are sweet nothings (or lyrics in Jamaica), sex, material gifts (not inherently evil but without sincerity often lead to disappointment at the hands of a Playa) & domination/control of her partner.

4. Laughter - who doesn't want and need to laugh? A man who can help her see the lighter side of situations, challenges & herself is prime real estate and easily beats a hard body or pretty face. A sense of humour is the difference between a conversation & an argument - a problem & an adventure. Laughter's doppleganger is excitement and here sensual stimulation through overindulgence in alcohol/drugs, over-the-top partying & even danger, replace a genuine love for life. Laughter is often a measure of friendship too, and that is the last point.

5.  Friendship - this is where the whole listening phenom comes into play. Friends can be goofy together, mess up and even be at their worst without fear of rejection. Pretty self explanatory. The distortion of friendship is co-dependency: the unrealistic expectation that the partner is her source of happiness and thus responsible for her well-being and vice-versa. It is this relationship that a woman can receive the sense that her opinion & feelings are highly valued.

The points are nothing new and really won't change with time as they are our most basic relational needs. The thing to consider is where we go wrong in our search to fulfil these natural requirements. All dissatisfaction and enmity, suggests CS Lewis,  is firmly founded in the distortion, misinterpretation and dysfunction of not just the needs in question, but our overall human condition.

Sumfest: The Post Mortem

Highs

None of the imported acts outshone the best of the local ones. And the best of the local?

Tarrus Riley - composed, confident, tasteful, uplifting, effortless.

Damian Marley - his catalogue of hits did their work as did his great stage presence - Nas helped, but only a little. They gave a sample from the upcoming collaboration Distant Relatives. Let's see how that goes.

Queen Ifrica - authoritative, fluent, righteous, unapologetic and the best act of the entire festival hands down. She did a little preaching in her own down-to-earth rootsy way but carried the crowd with her sincere motherly yet masculine authority. She is Reggae royalty alright.

Elephant Man's MJ tribute - funny and it was supposed to be too!

Ishy

Ne-Yo - exactly what we should expect. Sounded as good as his recordings and even busted Ramping Shop - that was a surprise as was his throwing in 'puuuul uuup' and a 'seleeeeectaaaa'. Clearly he was coached well on impressing the Jamaican audience. Great stuff.

Toni Braxton - did surprisingly well. One was reminded that she really did have a slew of hits. Looked great too.

Lows

Band changes - as usual. Folks started to clap and boo at one point and it took the better part of 20 mins for Ifrica to get on stage. Surely we can do better.

Technical Stupidity - Ne-Yo was embarrassed  when arriving on stage to a non-working mic. Doddered on stage for 5 mins - mic still not working and eventually slinked off after about a total of 10 awkward minutes. Bet that never happened to him before. Folks up front couldn't hear Braxton for much of her performance and she lip synced MJ songs for around for 15 mins as they tried to fix it. Mind you Braxton's singing style obscures the clarity of her words too. Etana went on stage to accompany Braxton but her (Etana) mic didn't work. Had it worked it might have prevented Braxton from embarrassing Etana by refusing to offer her the working mic.

MJ tributes - the Intl Night 1 version had a MJ lookalike who crotch-grabbed during Man in the Mirror - he just didn't get it right. Then Mushette  interviewed him and his baritone never cut it either. Tito was what we expected: not Michael. But we had to get Ed Bartlett and Babsy on stage with others to give plaques and such. Ugh! All that was missing was a wood carving of Jamaica and the line 'thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule...'. Tackyville.

Braxton - 'I love Jamaica, it's my favourite city'. Heh!

Ron Mushette - unquestionably one of the most annoying MCs known to man. He succeeded in filling the gaps created by long band changes and a delayed Ifrica  with noise that made long band changes look good! In which case maybe he did his job. But one wanted nothing more than for him to shut it. So the relief of the following set was multiplied. Reverse psychology maybe?

Otherwise

Getting in and out was easy. Parking was iffy - on Dancehall night several vehicles parked on the sidewalk had their tires punctured. I surmise it was the makeshift parking attendants guaranteeing business for the following nights. Cheeky, if true. Ganja flowed free as the peddlers belted 'high grade!' into the night and their clients enjoyed the fare. The goodness or badness thereof depends on your preference. I don't smoke weed, but at Sumfest - it smokes you.

TV gameshow offers atheists 'salvation' - CNN.com

This interesting - pretty topical and cutting edge I think.

What do you say?

TV gameshow offers atheists 'salvation' - CNN.com.

Transformers 2 Post Mortem: Entertaining! Exciting! Crap!

On its face Transformers 2 was exactly what it was supposed to be: entertainment, action, pointless shots of cool dudes walking in slo mo, everybody running from explosions in slo mo, scantily clad anorexic white girls & badly formulated premises moving a shaky plot-line forward with the help of dopey slapstick characters.

It was a badly edited string of action clichés in CGI. Awesome! Total guy movie.

Now what was Transformers really about? It was about 1 thing: Advertising. What were they advertising you ask? 3 things:

1. The American Military Industrial Complex
2. General Motors
3. The Republic Capitalist Agenda

No I'm not nuts and no I'm not reading into things too much. Trust me, I'm not paranoid they are really after you! ;O).

Ok seriously. America's military is comprehensively paraded throughout the film: satellite technology, nuclear subs, aircraft carriers, attack drones (which, by the way, routinely kill mourners and their families in Pakistan), tanks, aircraft, response time and more, all conveniently in the Middle East - or a place that looks just like it (Egypt really but who's counting?). The advancement of tech was even illustrated in the geriatric Blackbird, JetFire. They made being a soldier look very cool and dying for your country a very action-packed career option! So kids, join the army - now!

General Motors gets some great mileage out the film too. Primarily through the twins and Sideswipe. The twins are the Chevrolet Trax (Mudflap - the red one) and the Chevrolet Beat (Skids - the green one) and Sideswipe is a concept car (according to this site). The compact cars are no arbitrary choice. With the market wanting more fuel efficient cars and not the massive gas guzzlers GM usually turns out of the assembly line - Skids and Mudflaps are the hope of GM - even if they are the most embarrassing black stereotypes since JJ in Goodtimes.

Now the fact that these two commercial entities (yes the military is commercial) are getting massive airtime is no accident. They both need and make lots of money. And that brings us to the Republican Agenda.

The philosophy embedded in Transformers (that you, the weak in mind have been thoroughly programmed to accept and that I, with my superior paranoia, can detect from miles away) is anti-diplomacy, kick-butting military might at all costs whenever and where ever we want. Kinda like what happened with Iraq.

The movie even took shots at Obama, having him hid in a bunker and his emphasis on diplomacy trashed obliquely by Optimus Prime and squarely by Sergeant Lennox. The Main message via the Suit, eventually sent parachuting into the desert, was that diplomacy sucks and gunshot fi bus! Why? Cause war makes money. That's right Transformers is all about selling cars and making war. Or as the neo-cons would put it - business as usual.

Yes people, after Transformers 1 and 2 you will happily accept that war is life and America (and one British soldier) is the saviour of the world. Just give it time. Now if you don't sell out completely you will at least have developed marginal sympathy for the American Commercial cause. Trust me, right after the movie I had an inexplicable urge to enlist with marines and buy a Chevrolet. How do you explain that?!

MJ is Dead BUT...

Ok, for those who are balking at the frenzy around MJ's death and befuddled by the attention in the face of more important things I have one word: MULTI-TASK (ok one word in two parts).

That's right. We all know that Iran still demands our attention as do oil prices, famine and suffering around the world of all kinds. Guess what? We can mourn MJ's passing AND attend to these causes. Amazing huh?

But there is nothing wrong with pausing to acknowledge and celebrate a life that made such a deep impact on so many for at least 2 generations. Nothing wrong with it at all.

MJ is one of a few people in this world that was loved by people of all races and cultures. He blazed a trail for Black folks all over the world - but if your not black, maybe you won't understand that. It's ok. He technically blazed a trail for white folks too ;O). But in a world as fragmented as ours a unifying rallying point of any kind is a good thing. And we just lost one of the most powerful.

Are there more important things than MJ? Sure, but don't tell his family that.

Rest in peace MJ.

MJ

There are some people you don't think of as dead and Michael Jackson was one of them.

What I mean is that you assume they will live out their lives to a predictable outcome full of years and perhaps half forgotten, then you hear about their death which you respond to with a brief moment of sadness and fond nostalgia. But Jackson's death was so sudden and unexpected - what with a new tour just about to kick off - that there's almost  a kind of 'phantom limb' effect. A sort of static image left in that space in the collective psyche into which he was firmly placed.

The only other time the world seemed to gasp in disbelief and shared pain on this level, was when Princess Diana was killed - an event that lingered long with the Senior Fayed seeking his own brand of closure for years after.

For the generations that grew up entertained and educated by MJ's culture (and he was a centre of culture) his passing has revealed just how an individual can so perfectly fill a need, which perhaps we didn't even know we had, but was completely satisfied. For years he determined what we listened to and watched, how we danced, what we spoke about and even how we dressed.

Even though the footprints he left behind weren't always in perfect step it didn't matter, it was all a part of the mosaic that contributed to our cultural landscape. Whether it was his latest music video or surgical procedure or lawsuit - we followed it, and if we didn't follow it the media made sure that it followed us. No doubt his passing will be debated for months to come, and based on family spokesperson (though I suspect he is not in any sense official) Brian Oxman's tirade about 'enablers' and 'drugs', there will be those who will attempt to get as much mileage out of his passing for personal gain.

Oxman, speaking on CNN, began what sounded like a tearful, sincere report on the latest developments  from the hospital, ended his interview by turning the attention on himself, claiming to have predicted MJ's demise. Oxman referenced Anna Nicole Smith's death as a parallel for Jackson's situation - a star surrounded by people who meant him no good, plying him with drugs eventually leading to his death. Oxman vacillated between not knowing the cause of death to declaring near certainty. I suspect we will see much more of him.

In this age we are rarely given a moment of pause to digest events such as this. The irony is not lost on me that even now I am contributing to the ceaseless conversation. But perhaps, for a change, our writing and reading and watching and listening will be a collective mourning rather than just a media frenzy. For the media frenzy is sure to follow fast and furious. But whatever we think of MJ he spent himself on us. He seemed to pour himself out from near infancy to this day...for us. There is an undeniable ache of pity, gratitude and sympathy we feel for the dichotomy of his life: The breathtaking stage legend and the awkward even reclusive man-child. I can't imagine that there isn't a person wishing he is in a place where nothing painful can touch him.

Many of us may feel that a part of our childhood has died. It has.

Michael, you made us dance. Thank you.

5ive Women You Should NEVER Marry...or date...or carry on casual conversation with

Gentlemen - this is vital to your survival as a normal functioning member of society. Should you encounter any of the following women - RUN LIKE HELL! Or pay the price. As for the Ladies who will inevitably read this out of curiousity or to find out if they made the list...you know I'm right.

1. Manny Manny This one is obvious and is known by other names. Fill in the blanks: H_e and Sk_t_l. Got it? You may have been initially attracted by the strategic absence of clothing and come hither looks. She is a recipe for disaster as her prime motive is to attract men - any men, all the time. She is charming, funny, sometimes appears innocent and features in Proverbs 5-7 (she may or may not bite her nails while waiting at the stoplight with a 'I'm lost' expression). You are only one of the many victims. Your only escape is to think with your brain - your brain. Got it?! If you fall prey - it's your own fault. You will eventually be attacked by the guy who thought he was her one and only. She has never had - nor will ever have a 'one and only'.

2. Psycho-Me Me The Psycho first catches your ear by somehow getting you into an argument. Her main means of appropriating attention is anger & conflict. She can turn anything into an argument with her power of super-attention-getting. She behaves like she hates your guts and hence targets 'nice guys' who will want to quell the conflict she artificially created. Like a piece of unwanted sticky-tape, you try to shake her off only to find she is stuck on the back of your head. She manipulates via anger & guilt and shouting is standard communication. Once she gets an emotional reaction from you - she has won!

3. Daddy Eyes If she mentions her Dad within the first 10 minutes of meeting you - RUN! This lady thinks her Dad is perfection and whether she knows it or not, wants to marry him. This means that no man is ever good enough for her. Dating her will lead to continuous comparison of yourself against the maginificence of her Dad and your self-esteem will dwindle to mere burning embers. She is likely to be spoilt and used to getting her own way, so the only solution to engagement with her is to say 'look your Dad', then make a mad dash for the door.

4. Histrionic Hottie Histrionic personality disorder is a real psychological affliction. The patient looooooves attention and will do anything to get it include getting sick. If she senses your attention being drawn away from her by petty things like work, family, the game etc. she will not just feign illness but present real physical pain/symptoms in order to get the attention back to herself. She will not be happy until every waking moment of your life is dedicated to her whims and fancy. Attending to this one is a full time job and everyday demands overtime.

5. One-Up Control Freak This Freak is characterized by an intense fascination and love for herself. She is constantly amazed by her own intelligence and ability to be correct 100% of the time. Her desire is to prove her greatness to you by outdoing you in everything. If a woman challenges you to arm wrestle it is likely she is the OUCF. She thinks your faults are proof of her own greatness and believes completely unrelated facts, like some female spiders eating their male counterparts, are sufficient evidence for her to dominate and rule you with an iron fist.

5ive Things I Don't Get: UK'd Up in England

1. Fences & Thieves. In England you can't build your fence above a certain height - why you ask? Because if a thief, in climbing over your fence to terrorize and dispossess, hurts himself he can sue you (see 5th paragraph in second link)! Indeed you are discouraged from using barbed wire or any kind of fence-climbing deterrent due to the fact it makes the thief's job that much more incovenient. How very dare you! Otherwise, if a burglar enters your house and proceeds to rob, beat and intimidate - do nothing! If in defending his new property (formally known as 'yours') you injure him - he again can sue you. In which case is it really breaking-and-entering or just suing-by-breaking...or something?

2. Saggy skinny jeans. I've already registered my befuddlement regarding skinny jeans - but this is even more befuddlementizing - skinny jeans that are saggy. Now baggy jeans are...baggy, so they sag - a notably African American fad. But the Brit fad is to wear skinny jeans down to the knees. But how, what with all that bum squelching tightniss? The result is an I've-just-took-a-huge-dump-in-my-pants type of look. I strongly suspect that the trend started because of dump-in-pants-takers trying to direct attention away from the bulges in the wrong places. How they got folks not to notice the smell? Bathing once a month is a good cover.

3. Public drunkeness. A huge problem in the UK. In Jamaica, we don't get drunk in public,  drunkeness is for old men in bars and it's considered weak and wussy. Besides we don't need alcohol  to publicly humiliate ourselves in the Caribbean when we have Carnival (wink wink)! But in the UK getting drunk is the most important part of the week for many - it is how they have a 'good time' (though they cannot recollect it). It also seems that women are far more into this public inebriation than men. Indeed, it was in the streets of Birmingham that I first  I  saw a waggle (just made that up) of women actually harrass and grope two men - first time. Wow. But I must say that alcohol fuelled street rolling provides lots of fodder for police reality programmes. Hurrah for contributing to media content and by extension the GDP!

4. Racism? What racism? Yes apparently the nation that invented hating-people-for -profit no longer has racism. It is ignored and almost taboo to talk about - with a white British person. I've tried and they usually get upset. The in-thing is 'institutional racism'. This, as I understand, is the idea that British people (white people specifically) are not racist but British systems are. So if someone is discriminated against it's nothing personal, just that bloody system operating completely autonomously. The system apparently fell out of the sky or erupted from a wart on someones butt. Who knows? At any rate it should be noted that the 400 years of slavery is completely left out of the school curriculum - so the Brits who are racist (and they certainly are not all racist) don't actually know that they are racist because no one told them - fair enough then! Ironically, the closest thing to what can be construed as 'institutional racism' or systemic discrimination is Apartheid.

5. State sponsored irresponsibility. When a sixteen year old has a child she gets a stipend from the government as well as goverment housing. Now, this is good in that teen mothers get much needed support - not good because teens abuse the system and do use a child as their meal ticket. This might be the reason why the UK has the highest rate of teen pregnancy in Europe. I reckon we're now heading into the second generation of kids raised by kids, which might mean that Supernanny will have loads of work. It might also be the cause of points 2 and 3, and indirectly, point 1. Now, that said, teen pregnancy in Jamaica isn't state sponsored, but may have a more sinister motive (in some cases) - but that is another 5ive Things altogether.

5ive Things I Don't Get: Celebrity Edition

Rourke after a run-in with a bad-tempered surgical knife

Joan Rivers fighting nature with desperation

1. Elective Cosmetic Surgery. The fact is anyone who does cosmetic surgery, to their face in particular, doesn't look younger, poutier or perkier. They do look tighter, bulgier and weirder though. In short, they look like people who have had cosmetic surgery - not like people who suddenly and inexplicably experienced a reversal of the natural aging process. How in demand are actors who look like they've had surgery? Well, Mickey Rourke was perfect for The Wrestler since he already looked like he'd been beaten to a pulp in a dark alley by a wayward wad of collagen and a  scalpel with a disturbed past.

Feeding the feeding frenzy that feeds the frenzy

2. Celeb Obsession. Why do people follow every waking moment of celebrities lives? We give them nicknames like TomKat and Brangelina. We want to know when they have opened their front gate and the velocity with which it was opened.  We buy their saliva encrusted, snot infused tissue paper. We want to see them 'being normal' as opposed to hovering 6 inches off the ground and glowing that heavenly glow that celebs apparently have. We blog about celebrity...Doh!

Paris: looking so good you could peel and peg her

3.  Fake Tans. Granted, celebs aren't the only ones who explore the darker side of artificially synthesized melanine. But like cosmetic surgery, fake tans only make someone look like they have a fake tan. If the sun was meant to make us orange then Africa wouldn't be the 'Dark Continent' - it would be the 'Faaaaabulous Contintent'.

4. Amy Winehouse. What...happened...how...why...why...what? Anyone? Anyone? Beuller?

Cruise filled with the spirit...of looney-wack

5.  Scientology. The religion itself is weird - but why do so many celebs flock to its mysterious strangeness? Does it account for Tom Cruise's sudden and unexpected dumping of Nicole Kidman? His terrifying and over-enthusiastic grappling of Oprah? His prodigious diminutive stature? Maybe his diminutive stature accounts for Scientology? Perhaps he is just an alien?

Women: 5ive Things Men don't Want You to Know (if we really thought about it...which we haven't)

To be fair, we do have to speak to the male issue.

It is already known we're none too bright, so the following 'secrets' may not be too novel, and women probably already know them. I'm in no danger from my brothers because they will either not read this or lose interest by the 4th line.

It should also be noted that men generally do not tell secrets because we rarely get a word in edgewise and hence when trying to say something - anything - it may be completely unintelligible. To a man, after all, being able to convey more then three words to a woman without being interrupted is a monumental accomplishment indeed and when we do get a chance to speak we are so surprised that we usually don't know what to say. Apart from that our block-headed transparency and womankind's prodigious intuition leaves us unable to have any secrets whatsoever.

Some of these points may also come in the form of free advice to women and give just a tad bit more insight into the male mind - what little of it there is.

Here goes!

1. Men DO care what you think/feel. Contrary to all evidence we do! It's just that we care for a maximum of 2,500 words or 5 minutes of sharing your feelings. After that we physically cannot ingest the torrent of emotions that you unleash upon us. As the ones who adore you we take your feelings personally. So when you are berating us as if we were the woman at work who wants to 'destroy you' it is an incredibly traumatic experience for us. We just think that if you realized we really care about your feelings you may never stop telling us what they are. Further, the woman sets the tone of any home - if you are happy, the home is happy. If you are miserable you will ensure everyone else is at least as miserable as you. So, we have a vested interest in your feelings.

2. We don't tell you our thoughts/feelings for your own protection. This is serious business. As men we think a great deal about several things including: nothing, what we would do if we were a cyborg, what life would be like if we never met you (sad, it would be very sad), what if someone attacked us with a chainsaw, are you trying to kill us and a host of other very disturbing and unhealthy material unfit for a woman's sensibilities. We just want to do our part to increase the peace. But having written this, the risk is run that you will absolutely want to know what we are thinking to find out if this point is true. Resist the temptation.

3. The reason we don't react the way you do, is because we are trying not to have a heart attack. Many women tend to think their man doesn't care about an issue because he doesn't react with the drama/emotion she does. The thinking behind this is that we want to help you be calm and also keep our own blood pressure in check. Using what could be considered logic, we think that what you will wear to work doesn't warrant tears, panic and nervous breakdowns. However, we do think that terminal illness and bankruptcy is worthy of a healthy dose of panic and a good 'freak out' is warranted for such things. We may even participate. However, if you do wish to 'go ballistic' upon discovering the extra $2 on the grocery bill, please allow us to be excused from the exercise - but we fully support your right to an emotional meltdown for any reason of your choosing. Men who have heart attacks have been unsuccessful at excusing themselves from the aforementioned meltdowns (may they rest in peace...finally).

4. We're as dumb as you think. Now we will never admit this - who would? In fact my admission of this proves this point. The problem with this point is that we are not entirely sure just how dumb you think we are - but you are probably quite accurate in your determination. Still, it is essential to prove you wrong in order for us to feel that we are worthy of your attention, affection and love. That said, our 'dumbness' may not be in the traditional sense of the term - men have proven they are smart enough to invent amazing technology, it's just that the technology primarily revolves around blowing things up - that's the dumb part.

5. We actually do have emotions. Yes this one is hard to believe and we don't blame you. We show our emotions very rarely but for a good reason - the last time we showed them you thought we were wussy pushovers and had no idea what we were talking about or 'where we were going with this'. By the time you were done with us we realized that what we felt was completely inaccurate and we had no right to be meddling with feelings and emotions in the first place. As it is, the safest range of emotions currently shown by men are: angry, hungry, football and randy (look it up - it's a Brit term). We will show an even broader range of emotions if you can guarantee you won't laugh at us at the informal gatherings in the ladies room (yes we know about the 'Gatherings').

As a bonus, I will add that men get together and talk about you like you get together and talk about them. We don't mock you though we do commiserate on the perplexities of the female-of-the-species. But in the end there is no doubt we are crazy about you - crazy being the operative word.

C. Arthur Young

5ive Things I Don't Get

You might be thinking 'who are you and why would I care about what you don't get?' Good question for which I don't have a good answer, except to say you might agree and hence find commiseration, or you might disagree vehemently and have someone to vent at. Either way, you're welcome.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="180" caption="Hundreds regret their deodorant oversight"][/caption]

1. CARNIVAL. I know there are many self-proclaimed 'Carnival Te Te's' out there - no disrespect. If you enjoy it then have a good 'un. But I just don't see the fun in tromping half-naked in public in very close proximity to sweaty strangers (hepatitis comes to mind) in the boiling hot sun from one point to another. It's like the movement of refugees but with bottled spring water, sparkly pants & music - very repetitive music to which only one dance move can be done i.e. chip an' wine. Furthermore - I would have to pay to do this! I'm sorry, but if I was to participate in a carnival roadmarch someone would have to pay me!

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="135" caption="Dress Shoe/Flipper combo?"][/caption]

2.POINTY MEN'S SHOES. They're in style and they're pointy (Winkle Pickers I understand they are called), sometimes with a little upturned toe to complete the Rumpelstilskinian look. But why would any normal footed male want to cram his feet into shoes that taper to a point merely milimeters across? Women apparently loooooove this stuff - but guys? Where is your sense of....common sense? If you wanted to make shish kebab with the tip of your shoe then fine. But surely getting from point A to point B would either be exceptionally painful or terribly embarrasing - I'm almost certain these shoes are a danger to small scurrying animals.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="144" caption="Television for masochists"][/caption]

3.LIFETIME TV. Ok, every single story is about a woman who 'has to learn to love again' after being wronged by some jerk of a man. She spends the next 60 minutes crying and shouting at her 'estranged daughter', then meets a wonderful man who helps her to 'learn to love again'. And the film titles! Anything from 'The Deserted Wife' to 'I Lost my Daughter to a Man I Don't Trust' One doesn't have to guess the plot. Sigh. Why? Why all the depression and man-hating? Indeed, why all the misogyny? Lifetime can't be good for people struggling with depression and very likely contributes to the number of those who do.

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="144" caption="Every way is the right way. Wrong!"][/caption]

4.MORAL RELATIVISM. The idea that morality is totally subjective, up to each individual to decide and there is no such thing as a 'sin'/wrongness just doesn't make sense. This would mean that the Holocaust & the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade have no wrongness whatsover - indeed nothing would be wrong including pedophilia or even cheating on one's spouse. Jews, Africans, parents & children and spouses are likely to have a few feelings about the morality of the aforementioned list. Moral relativism suggests that nothing is wrong with everything - make sense? No, I don't think so either.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="126" caption="Distilled essence of nastiness"][/caption]

5.MARMITE. YUUUUUUCK! If you don't know, you're one of the blessed. Nuff said.

I myself will add to this list but if there are things you 'don't get' please feel free to add em. For example - you may 'not get' people who don't get Carnival - touche.

Men: 5ive Secrets Women Don't Want You To Know (there are more but space is limited)

An Introduction to the Induction
What you are about to read could put your life (and mine) in grave danger. These are things men are not permitted to know and have the potential to bring down the deep, wide and altogether monolithic superstructure that is Womanhood.

Certainly, what I am about to reveal has been a closely gaurded secret since Eve conspired with the snake/serpent/devil to swindle Adam out of Creation (of course now we know Eve swindled both Adam AND the Serpent who now has a one way ticket to the darkest pits of hell).

I have (like all men) come to suspect that a written manifesto has been circulating since Gutenburg invented the printing press, passed on orally before that time, amongst women. This manifesto outlines all the rules, goals, aims and techniques of womanhood - it is the reason for both the power women hold over men and the paradoxical state of simultaneous unity and disunity in womankind.

This WoManifesto is the reason why the female of the species all seem to agree on everything regarding men, can communicate non-verbally at incredibly long distances, all love to sing 'I Will Survive' angrily at their men even if happily married/dating and never been cheated on, watch and cry at the Lifetime Channel and a host of other interesting and terrifying facts I can't get into now for fear of my life. Indeed my source must remain undisclosed, but it is likely that the content is very nearly verbatim.

Now it is well known that men have no such manifesto - and this is our greatest weakness and failing. Like Black people, men have no sense of unity or organization - hence we are left vulnerable and easily exploited by those who are well mobilized by a singular purposeful focus. Women, knowing how stupid we are, have taken full advantage of this, hence the contents of this note have the potential to upset the balance of power. But as men are blockheads - they won't be reading this, they will be watching the NBA Playoffs and the FA Cup - two sporting events invented by women to ensure sustained domination.

The Secrets

1. Do nothing by accident. That's right, you never met your significant other 'by chance' as you have hitherto thought. It was all planned at least 5 days in advance when you 'accidentally bumped into her' at the bank. It was orchestrated by her and perhaps with the help of other women as has everything since that time. The spontaneous way she asks you about about the financial plan for the next 5 years has been planned for years before. The fact that she demands you give her and answer in 5 minutes is part of her domination strategy. You will of course feel like a thoughtless fool - this is when she proposes her completely 'spontaneous' financial outlay. It should be noted that arguments are precipitated for specific purposes among them 'to see how he will react', 'to generate guilt' (see point 5), 'because there is nothing else to do' and indeed some women think that lack of arguments mean the relationship is not 'real'.

2. Don't trust anyone - especially each other. Women are incessantly and perpetually paranoid. They don't trust anyone - least of all other women because they all know what is in the confounded WoManifesto and know that they cannot be trusted. Men would feel the same way - but we don't know what's in the said manifesto and it's better that way. Women (and they are separated into various types - but that is another expose altogether) have corporate and individual aims. Some have no other goal but to get other women's men to look at them in order to make other women feel unattractive and they themselves can feel like a hotty. If a man looks at them, but he is single - it is worthless. The single most powerful thing a woman can do is 'steal' another woman's man as it elevates her in the pecking order. This is why women don't trust other women.

3. Pretend like you don't know what's going on. This is very important and is the basis for controlling mankind. Helpless females don't actually exist - they are expert mechanics, rocket scientists, tyre changers etc - ALL OF THEM. But pretending like they don't have a clue about certain things primes a man for endless service and makes him 'feel manly'. This 'manly' feeling is addictive and keeps us subservient. More importantly however, is emotional control. After thoroughly emasculating you through constant verbal attacks she will then wonder out loud what it could possibly be that's bothering you once you pluck up the courage to say something about the perpetual onslaught. She will appear completely oblivious and admit that all she wanted to do was to express that she thought you were the kitchen floor - an honest mistake.

4. Never be satisfied - even if you are. A central teaching in the WoManifesto. Once a woman knows her man loves her it is essential that she never express happiness and satisfaction. A man in love will do anything to make his woman happy - if she is not happy he will keep trying until she is. Hence, in order to ensure a steady stream of happiness-inducing acts one must never, ever under any circumstances express contentment or satisfaction in case he loses his edge and 'drops off of shape'. This of course comes with the risk that he may look for a woman he can satisfy - but they don't exist anyway, so he is doomed. Part of this 'quest of dissatisfaction' is perfecting the art of blaming everything - EVERYTHING - on the man. Once he believes everything is his fault (and it is - see I have been successfully indoctrinated) control is a fait accompli.

5. When in doubt - get angry or cry. To a man, a woman's anger/tears is more terrifying than anything else in Creation. Men would prefer to endure marauding wild animals, warfare and/or a vicious physical assault by drunken strangers (or assualt a stranger while drunk) than deal with a woman's anger/tears, this is proven by the level of violence and warfare in society. But this is a good last resort when on the verge of having to admit a weakness, error or mistake and is closely linked to point 4. This is part of another effort of some women to remain at the centre of attention at all times - but this will be elaborated on at another time - when it is decidedly safer.

Women who get angry at or disagree with these points are merely exercising points 3 and 5 - don't be fooled.

NOTE: Men are marginal in this manifesto as a means to an ends - the real battle is amongst women. Men provide little or no resistance but women are much more worthy adversaries for each other and spend inordinate amounts of time trying to get the one up on each other. No one knows why just yet - including women themselves.

PS I love my Empress

C. Arthur Young

BackLog: Black People Are Human – on Obama Being Elected President

At 3:00 AM GMT, USA [Nov 5, 2008] it was confirmed: black people are in fact human beings!
The shocking news came to an undeniable head when suspected African American, Barack Hussein Obama was elected by thousands, maybe millions of American citizens to be Commander-in-Chief - many of them human beings as well, it is alleged.
The suspicion that blacks were human is age old, but dismissed as myth and fancy by some generations of other human beings of certain races and nationalities. Blacks were often mistaken for lower primates, sugar cane processing plants, cotton harvesting machines, doormats, scapegoats, door opening mechanisms and similar types of labour saving devices. It is even believed that some tried to squeeze money out of black bodies using techniques now long lost - but only a strange red liquid would be the result of the extraction process.
This shocking discovery, some time in the making comes with its share of controversy. George W. Bush, for example, defied the belief that only white people were human by being often mistaken for a block of wood, a chimpanzee or a deli sandwich. Most often though, Bush would be mistaken for President of the United States - this famously went on for 8 straight years and indeed it seemed thousands - maybe billions of people were duped by the convincing rumour. This mass delusion led the entire nation of the United States of America to allow a very tasty looking ham on rye to take charge of the nation for several months - even leading the country into a dust up with Iraq that turned out to be a terrible misunderstanding. The ham on rye sandwich was very embarrassed and is reported to have felt quite sorry for the debacle.
At any rate, the election of Obama to the highest post in the US has left no doubt that blacks are indeed equal to their fellow men. Some still weren't convinced and wanted to enslave a few blacks again 'just to be sure', but they were shot out of a cannon before they could finish the sentence. That said, there are a few earthlings who are convinced only some are human and therefore superior to others by virtue of their skill in tying shoelaces, chewing tobacco and crushing aluminium beer cans with their foreheads. While these talents are highly respected by the aristocracy of nations the world over - conventional wisdom says the world has moved on from such things and a new era has come.
Obama's humanity began to become apparent from a young age - his arms and legs plus his ability to read were strong evidences - but it was his distinct ability to walk upright on two legs and speak in complete sentences that really brought him over the top (something which Bush has yet to do and therefore casts his humanity into hushed question yet again).
Still we accept this finding as scientists work feverishly to document this new development. Books must be re-written, names changed, butts kicked and heads scratched. Current US Vice President and Overlord of the Land of Darksquelch (most feared region of the Nether-World) Dick Cheney, reportedly said 'If I was human and knew what emotions were, I think I would be happy for Barack and black people everywhere...what is happy?' Cheney then allegedly disappeared in a puff of Halliburton Stock, but not before shooting a close friend in the face. The bleeding comrade offered his sincerest apologies for being such a nuisance. Cheney is known for his sharp exchanges with Satan. He has harshly criticized the Prince of Darkness for 'being a wuss on foreign policy'. Cheney takes on the post of Beelzebub after Obama's inauguration.
It is now taken for granted that black people everywhere can do things that normal human beings have been doing for centuries. No one quite knows how they will make the adjustment, but classes, programs and short courses will be started that blacks can attend to 'get caught up' with the skills. Some blacks buoyed by the news of the newfound status looked forward to 'walking down the street', 'benefitting from nepotism' and 'going to work'. Some even found themselves lost in the dream that they someday, could finally not tick the 'other' box on the race section of the many equal opportunity forms that asserted it never mattered what race you were, they ‘just wanted to know so they could treat you equally once they found out you were a minority’.
But it is with a new sense of confusion that we move forward. Who will we look down upon now? Who can we blame for lowering the value of our houses? Who will we exclude from the country clubs and closed circles of elitism? Who will inexplicably devote himself to the brave hero and then die 22 minutes into the film as per our blockbuster movies? These sober questions face us at the very cusp of a new era. And those to whom this noble duty falls will join a long line of really annoyed people. But as for us blacks - oops, I mean humans...it's onward, upward, forward!
The journey continues. I thank you! ;O)

C. Arthur Young