Carib Cinema: Lines, Swines & 2 for 1 in Jamaica

If you're Jamaican you've probably been to the Carib cinema. It's been around for years and often premieres films on the same dates as US cinemas. Pretty cool. You probably know about the 2 for 1 days too right? On Mondays and Tuesdays you and a friend can see the latest film for the price of one. These are understandably highly attended days, but there is another price to pay for economy: your dignity, but it's optional.

There are two entrances to the cinema. Most people flock to front entrance about an hour or more before the gates open. At the very moment the box office opens any semblance of a line - or humanity - vanishes into a swinefest of hoggish...hoggishness. The soundtrack to this activity is something like Professor Nuts 'Inna Di Bus'. It really is bad.

But around the back, the soundtrack is  a nice classical piece. Not only do people stand patiently in a well-defined cue (as it's called in the UK - they love cues here - in fact I think they stand in line to join a line) but they unwittingly think there is only one line to the right, which is inevitably longer than the neglected lesser known line to the left. In any event, folks at this entrance retain their brought-upsy. Why the difference?

One thesis is that those at the back entrance drive (there is a parking lot around the back) and are used to entering their vehicle without fighting 30 other people to do so. The folks at the front take the bus and are in 'sideways-and-go-round' mode. But that can't be true, walk-foot folks often enter from the back along with the alleged more civilised drivers.

The solution is simple really. There are narrow stairs at the back that force patrons into a cue. Now when folks approach the cue the collective order and decency is catching. So catching, in fact, that persons often refuse to join the neglected left line (which is not visible from the parking lot) because no one else is in it. People often think this left line is for persons with reserved tickets only, or brown people (just a guess, I don't know). Amazing. 

Order and decency is catching. If narrow passageways force people to be orderly we might have a solution to Jamaica's crime and violence. Indeed, the UK is known for its very narrow roads and small-roomed houses. Maybe they have applied this theory already, after all the UK is very epitome of order (except of on Weekends and during Happy Hour at the pubs...and footy matches).

I suggest the Government should hire a few hundred thousand citizens to simply stand together in orderly groups doing things in an orderly fashion in strategic places around the Island. We can give them specific roles like 'garbage-throw-awayers', 'not-block-the-road-when-the-traffic-lights-don't-workerers', 'I-have-no-desire-to-kill-youers' and the like.

Surely if enough of us gather together, in say Half-Way Tree Square (I know - eeew!) and frown disapprovingly at drug dealers, junkies, corrupt politicians, taxi drivers and lazy career beggars they will stop doing what it is they do because of the peer pressure alone. The hard part is getting all of these perpetrators to stay still long enough (in Half-Way Tree) to get a good frown going.

Thank me in British pounds.

Usain Bolt: A New Kind of Champion

The focus of many commentators, reporters and other athletes regarding Usain Bolt has been (apart from his speed) his colourful personality. He has shown us all, not a just a new way to finish a race, but a new to start one.

The old school athletics dripped with aggression, intimidation, bravado, over-seriousness and an insular kind of focus that now palls in the face of Usain's joy, mischievous spirit and relaxed inclusive approach. It even seems to have rubbed off on Asafa Powell - and helped!

When the Americans were dominant (and they can still run - don't get me wrong) we looked on as they grimaced intimidatingly in the pre-race warm-up ritual (as demonstrated by Gay's stony display at the IAAF World Championship 100m final). And the finish? Well an American victory meant there was shouting, ripping off of jerseys and showing off of abs and the dominant alpha-dog posturing (mainly among the men) that made us just that much more grudging of their success.

Now Bolt showboats like nobody's business, but one wants to celebrate with him - not grudge him. Mind you, the massive gap between himself and his nearest competitor helps justify his exuberance - but that's the point - we are not intimidated by his approach, just his performance and ability. We are entertained by his approach rather than insulted.

Now more than ever, Ato Bolden's (NBC commentator) and Jacque Rogge's (IOC President) admonition of Bolt's celebration after his record breaking Olympic performance, seem petty, even irrelevant. As it is, some seem to think that NBC is now ignoring Bolt. Sour grapes?

The other side of course, is that Bolt is a sponsor's dream. Indeed, he has all the players in the track and field industry salivating at his marketability and pulling power. He fills stadiums and his personality can, will and has sold products (take note of the Bolt Arms). Whether we like it or not, money talks, and as long as Bolt being Bolt keeps the cash registers ringing, everybody will be happy, except those losing to him, and even then. But one can well imagine sponsors pressing the networks, media houses and governing officials to let Bolt do what he does best for the sake of the bottom line.

There is no doubt that Bolt is more than the best thing that happened to Jamaican athletics - he's the best thing that happened to athletics, period. He is doing for track and field what Michael Jordan did for the American NBA franchise and what Tiger Woods has done for golf. And like all products (and Bolt is fast becoming a brand) there are competitors.

It wouldn't be unreasonable to assume that some shoe brand or country or track club with the resources, is now scouring every corner of the earth to find a six-foot five sprinter. Every Britney Spears needs a Christina Aguilera. Every Coke needs a Pepsi. Every Nike needs a Puma. Will they find Bolt's Federer? Michael Johnson suggested during the IAAF coverage, that another like him wouldn't appear in his (Johnson's) lifetime.

Perhaps we should just sit back and enjoy the show that we have all been privileged to see.

Great Has a Number: An Ode to Usain Bolt on a new world record

Great has colour: black, green & gold

It has a name and a number - it is lightening and thunder.

Great has a new name for the old one is old

Because new stories of greatness are about to be told.

Great has a number and now the world knows

The greater the number, the lower it goes.

It has shape and form, swagger and style

And makes minutes look longer - much longer than miles.

If Great has a number, what is the number of Great?

It's one number in three: 9.58

5ive Things I Don't Get: from Jazz notes to Horn Tooting

1. Jazz - Have you ever watched someone listen to Jazz? They get this expression that's a cross between severe constipation and extreme discontent with the state of the world's economy - chin on fist. Music that has this effect can't be good for you. Jazz was invented by people who want to feel that what they listen to is real music but is actually a group of people doing whatever they feel like with what happens to be a musical instrument. Jazz is the modern art of the music world. If used soap or a toilet bowl can pass as art - then I guess Jazz can pass as music.

Honk if you're Hangry

2. Darn Tootin' - in places like the UK and Canada horn tooting is reserved only for very, very special occasions. In Jamaica we horn toot every chance we get. We have the 'thanks for giving me way' short beep, the 'the light just turned green .000001 milliseconds ago I can't believe you're still sitting there motionless' double-toot (preferred by taxi drivers), the 'you must be a confounded idiot can't you see I'm trying to run you off the road to get the red light to stop moving abruptly just in front of you' blare (also taxi driver preferred) and finally the 'blouse and skirt bredrin long time mi no see you which part yu deh, tell Aunt Maisi hello for mi and I will see you lata and remember dat ting whe yu have fa mi but no worry bout it still cause wi a good bredrin' rapid fire multi-toot long distance blurt. In the UK they only beep if they are absolutely certain that an approaching vehicle is going to smash into them at a rate that could result in multiple lacerations and the possibility of permanent skeletal and/or motor neurone damage with the likelihood of a lengthy inquiry into the cause of the smash-up coupled with a change in legislation and traffic management. If these things aren't likely then an accident is an acceptable outcome and the polite thing to do.

Route of all evil

3. Jamaican Taxi Drivers - If you don't know then point 2 would have already cued you in. They hold the firm belief that logic, courtesy, traffic laws and the laws of physics do not apply to them. They possess the skill to convince 12 people to squeeze into a 4 seater, successfully naviagate 2-wheel drive sedans in places that 4-wheel drive SUV's dare not go,cause & survive accidents that kill every one of the 12 people they convinced to get into their 4 seater and somehow manage to remain license holders in good standing albeit with 20 traffic citations while I lost my confounded license for 6 months after only 2 tickets! We all secretly want to be Jamaican taxi drivers (and are happy for them to law-break when we upon hiring their service are late).

4. The 12 People Who Squoze Into The 4-Seater Taxi - do I have to explain?

5. Bloggers - yes that's what I said. Especially the narcissists who somehow think anyone should give a hoot what they think about arbitrary lists of stuff nobody really thinks about anyway. Furthermore, who cares what they did or thought yesterday at Cousin Renford's house blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...blahdiblahblah.

Homophobia Jamaican Style

Fear VS Fair

Jamaica's hostility toward homosexuality is world renown. It was in 1992 on a British programme called The Word, that the Island hit the homophobe map with a resounding Shabba Ranks sounding thud that can still be heard today. Shabba famously called for homosexuals to be 'crucified', and well the rest is history - and so is his career. Buju Banton also featured on the programme with his anti-gay song Boom Bye-Bye, and has also been paying for this statement to this day, effectively banned from performing in certain countries and venues, along with other Jamaican DJ's.

One of the latest moves against Jamaican homophobia is an initiative called Boycott Jamaica where people are encouraged to boycott all things Jamaican including Jamaican-made products and even visiting the Island. The two-fold goal of the site is to force the Government to 'Publicly commit to end gay bashing on the island and improve the human rights situation' and get 'A statement from the Prime Minister clearly and unequivocally condemning violence against GLBT people and expressing regret for past violence'.

The goals are fair enough, but the method may not be the best. Indeed, this method may very well work against the initiative, after all the economy isn't the cause of homophobia and shouldn't be the target. Why should businesses with no relationship to Jamaica's homophobia be targeted? In fact Red Stripe Beer which features on Boycott Jamaica's site is no longer a Jamaican product, but a part of British multi-national Diageo's portfolio. Poverty begets violence, and effectively creating more poverty is not likely to generate sympathy for the gay rights cause. Indeed, the potential backlash against this strategy of economic embargo might exacerbate anti-gay sentiment. In short, a cultural problem can't be solved with a purely economic or legislative effort.

Culture War

This is not to say that legislation has no place, but that the Jamaican problem goes beyond homophobia and into a dysfunctional attitude toward sexuality in general - something legislation can't solve. Jamaican society is uncomfortable not just with male sexuality but human sexuality. There is an immaturity in the approach to male sexuality that was almost humorously illustrated by the public reaction to a work of art erected in a park in Kingston's commercial district. The sculpture, pictured below, drew hostile cristicism due to the depiction of the male phallus. The well-endowed female figure seemed to sit well with the public, but apparently the size and overt display of the male organ was too much to bear.

The offending member - Emancipation Park, New Kingston, Jamaica

There is nothing homo-erotic about the statue given its subjects, but nothing overtly sexual either, save for the nudity which doesn't necessarily have erotic overtones. Indeed, the reaction toward the statue says something about the society. At least some Jamaicans see nakedness in a purely sexual way - the artistry is lost on them.

The depiction of sexuality through some aspects of Jamaican culture can be extreme, bawdy and caricatured. A popular a song called Rampin' Shop set the Island's Broadcasting Commission into action getting banned from airplay and bringing more stringent regulation of Jamaican airwaves. The song was also tied to the dance phenomenon called 'Daggering', a violent choreographic simulation of sex that even featured in two recent Newsweek articles. Now bawdy depictions of sex are not unique to Jamaica, the peculiarities lie in the attitude to male sexuality and the general insecurity surrounding the male sexual role even in heterosexual relationships. Daggering is unquestionably an exaggeration of virility, unrealistic and apparently dangerous (the Newsweek article reported an increase in 'broken penises' in Jamaica, apparently related to the Daggering craze). Extreme representations of sex in any culture tend to betray an insecurity that stifles a mature and healthy approach to sex and the related issue of the human body. But this fear of male sexuality is taken to the extreme when some Jamaican men, choosing to avoid saying the word 'man' altogether wherever it appears in the English language, take words like 'manifesto' and 'Manchester' and 'feminize' or 'de-homosexualize' them to 'wo-manifesto' and 'wo-Manchester'. Decidedly juvenile.

Get it straight

Jamaica needs to be acquainted with healthy, normal sexuality, before it can learn to embrace or at least tolerate homosexuality. Indeed the homophobia may be a result of the deeper heterosexual male insecurity. Some aspects of Jamaican culture suggest men are to be hard, emotionally detached and agreessive and hence angry and isolated, as well as exceptionally virile and able to satisfy multiple partners. A sensitive approach to sex isn't compatible with this destructive macho ideal.

Despite the fact that Shabba's tirade and Buju's Boom By Bye are almost 20 years old, they still feature in contemporary gay advocacy material. British physical theatre group DV8 featured Boom Bye-Bye and Jamaica's homophobia in a recent production, To Be Straight With You. Based on transcribed interviews the production illustrated, with stunning effect, the plight of homosexuals in Jamaica, Pakistan and African nations. With no overt references to sexuality itself, it was ideal for a society that is still undecided about same-sex relationships. It might be wise to fight culture with culture, and this may have already started.

Jamaica's energetic theatre scene featured at least one very popular character that oozed homo-eroticism (a male actor played a homosexual cross-dresser) and celebrated a very well known choreographer (now deceased) who was allegedly on open homosexual or even bi-sexual. This suggests a disparity between public assertions and private opinions and experience. Indeed, some believe much of the most visible anti-gay sentiment arises from closet gays (a vicious circle?). At any rate, attacking a nation, an economy and a culture that is already suspicious of Western intent (given the colonial and slave history) may not be the best method of seeking equality - and certainly not the only method available.

(Since this article another a gay rights group out of Spain is lobbying for the EU to boycott Jamaica)