Cool British Words & Phrases You Can Use (or not)

Stuff I 've heard and picked up. Give up a try if you like.

Bit: part, piece. Being who he was Cheney thought the best bit of the movie was where the puppies got eaten by the troll.

Bits & Bobs: Odds & ends, bits & pieces.  Searching high and low for WMD's all that could be found were innocuous bits and bobs.


Chuffed (to bits): Happy, delighted, pleased. Not entirely sure if 'he could' Obama was chuffed to bits to have won the Presidential election.

Doddle: Easy, a snap. With practically the entire Western media at their command invading Iraq was a doddle for the Bush Admin.


Dosh: Money. I don't have any dosh. Seriously, I don't. Other terms for Money: wonga, readies, spondulicks

Faff: Mess around, goof, play about. Considering himself all powerful, Cheney loved to faff about with human life. Faffing around with peoples money, Madoff found himself in the Big House.


Gob: Mouth. Obama wanted nothing more than for Biden to shut his gob.


Gobsmacked: Speechless. Gobsmacked at Kanye's tirade, Taylor simply stood by and watched.


Gutted: Hurt, disappointed, rueful. Offering repeated and bumbling apologies, Kanye was gutted upon considering his actions at the MTV awards ceremony.


Innit: Isn't it. 'Dat new song is really swish innit?', said Daz.


Jeremy Kyle: Jerry Springer. Jeremy Kyle often does lie detector and paternity tests on his show, but has more gravitas and credibility  than the his US counterpart Jerry Springer.


Kit: Clothing, shirt, equipment. Celebrating his goal against Chelsea Rooney pulled his kit over his head.


Manky: Filthy, rancid, stinking. Taking baths irregularly and seldom using deodorant some folks in this part of the world are rather manky.


Minging: Ugly, homely. If the US comedy Ugly Betty were British it would be called Minging Elizabeth. Prince Charles' second wife is a minger.


Put (My) Hands Up: Accept responsibility. Backed into a corner Letterman put his hands up and admitted his indiscretions. 


Snog: Passionately kiss. He wondered how he would bring himself to snog Miss Bowles. Snogging is repeatedly mentioned in the Harry Potter series.


Swish: Cool, trendy. Having fleeced millions from innocent investors Stanford bought a rather swish sports car.


Uber (Oober): Very, ultra, extreme.  Donning his shades and leather jacket, Bill Gates went from being uber geeky to uber cool. Not!


Wodge: A sizeable chunk/slab/portion of something like cake or money. He relished the huge wodge of cash afforded to all banking CEO's. 

5ive Things I Don't Get: from Jazz notes to Horn Tooting

1. Jazz - Have you ever watched someone listen to Jazz? They get this expression that's a cross between severe constipation and extreme discontent with the state of the world's economy - chin on fist. Music that has this effect can't be good for you. Jazz was invented by people who want to feel that what they listen to is real music but is actually a group of people doing whatever they feel like with what happens to be a musical instrument. Jazz is the modern art of the music world. If used soap or a toilet bowl can pass as art - then I guess Jazz can pass as music.

Honk if you're Hangry

2. Darn Tootin' - in places like the UK and Canada horn tooting is reserved only for very, very special occasions. In Jamaica we horn toot every chance we get. We have the 'thanks for giving me way' short beep, the 'the light just turned green .000001 milliseconds ago I can't believe you're still sitting there motionless' double-toot (preferred by taxi drivers), the 'you must be a confounded idiot can't you see I'm trying to run you off the road to get the red light to stop moving abruptly just in front of you' blare (also taxi driver preferred) and finally the 'blouse and skirt bredrin long time mi no see you which part yu deh, tell Aunt Maisi hello for mi and I will see you lata and remember dat ting whe yu have fa mi but no worry bout it still cause wi a good bredrin' rapid fire multi-toot long distance blurt. In the UK they only beep if they are absolutely certain that an approaching vehicle is going to smash into them at a rate that could result in multiple lacerations and the possibility of permanent skeletal and/or motor neurone damage with the likelihood of a lengthy inquiry into the cause of the smash-up coupled with a change in legislation and traffic management. If these things aren't likely then an accident is an acceptable outcome and the polite thing to do.

Route of all evil

3. Jamaican Taxi Drivers - If you don't know then point 2 would have already cued you in. They hold the firm belief that logic, courtesy, traffic laws and the laws of physics do not apply to them. They possess the skill to convince 12 people to squeeze into a 4 seater, successfully naviagate 2-wheel drive sedans in places that 4-wheel drive SUV's dare not go,cause & survive accidents that kill every one of the 12 people they convinced to get into their 4 seater and somehow manage to remain license holders in good standing albeit with 20 traffic citations while I lost my confounded license for 6 months after only 2 tickets! We all secretly want to be Jamaican taxi drivers (and are happy for them to law-break when we upon hiring their service are late).

4. The 12 People Who Squoze Into The 4-Seater Taxi - do I have to explain?

5. Bloggers - yes that's what I said. Especially the narcissists who somehow think anyone should give a hoot what they think about arbitrary lists of stuff nobody really thinks about anyway. Furthermore, who cares what they did or thought yesterday at Cousin Renford's house blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...blahdiblahblah.

Women: 5ive Things Men don't Want You to Know (if we really thought about it...which we haven't)

To be fair, we do have to speak to the male issue.

It is already known we're none too bright, so the following 'secrets' may not be too novel, and women probably already know them. I'm in no danger from my brothers because they will either not read this or lose interest by the 4th line.

It should also be noted that men generally do not tell secrets because we rarely get a word in edgewise and hence when trying to say something - anything - it may be completely unintelligible. To a man, after all, being able to convey more then three words to a woman without being interrupted is a monumental accomplishment indeed and when we do get a chance to speak we are so surprised that we usually don't know what to say. Apart from that our block-headed transparency and womankind's prodigious intuition leaves us unable to have any secrets whatsoever.

Some of these points may also come in the form of free advice to women and give just a tad bit more insight into the male mind - what little of it there is.

Here goes!

1. Men DO care what you think/feel. Contrary to all evidence we do! It's just that we care for a maximum of 2,500 words or 5 minutes of sharing your feelings. After that we physically cannot ingest the torrent of emotions that you unleash upon us. As the ones who adore you we take your feelings personally. So when you are berating us as if we were the woman at work who wants to 'destroy you' it is an incredibly traumatic experience for us. We just think that if you realized we really care about your feelings you may never stop telling us what they are. Further, the woman sets the tone of any home - if you are happy, the home is happy. If you are miserable you will ensure everyone else is at least as miserable as you. So, we have a vested interest in your feelings.

2. We don't tell you our thoughts/feelings for your own protection. This is serious business. As men we think a great deal about several things including: nothing, what we would do if we were a cyborg, what life would be like if we never met you (sad, it would be very sad), what if someone attacked us with a chainsaw, are you trying to kill us and a host of other very disturbing and unhealthy material unfit for a woman's sensibilities. We just want to do our part to increase the peace. But having written this, the risk is run that you will absolutely want to know what we are thinking to find out if this point is true. Resist the temptation.

3. The reason we don't react the way you do, is because we are trying not to have a heart attack. Many women tend to think their man doesn't care about an issue because he doesn't react with the drama/emotion she does. The thinking behind this is that we want to help you be calm and also keep our own blood pressure in check. Using what could be considered logic, we think that what you will wear to work doesn't warrant tears, panic and nervous breakdowns. However, we do think that terminal illness and bankruptcy is worthy of a healthy dose of panic and a good 'freak out' is warranted for such things. We may even participate. However, if you do wish to 'go ballistic' upon discovering the extra $2 on the grocery bill, please allow us to be excused from the exercise - but we fully support your right to an emotional meltdown for any reason of your choosing. Men who have heart attacks have been unsuccessful at excusing themselves from the aforementioned meltdowns (may they rest in peace...finally).

4. We're as dumb as you think. Now we will never admit this - who would? In fact my admission of this proves this point. The problem with this point is that we are not entirely sure just how dumb you think we are - but you are probably quite accurate in your determination. Still, it is essential to prove you wrong in order for us to feel that we are worthy of your attention, affection and love. That said, our 'dumbness' may not be in the traditional sense of the term - men have proven they are smart enough to invent amazing technology, it's just that the technology primarily revolves around blowing things up - that's the dumb part.

5. We actually do have emotions. Yes this one is hard to believe and we don't blame you. We show our emotions very rarely but for a good reason - the last time we showed them you thought we were wussy pushovers and had no idea what we were talking about or 'where we were going with this'. By the time you were done with us we realized that what we felt was completely inaccurate and we had no right to be meddling with feelings and emotions in the first place. As it is, the safest range of emotions currently shown by men are: angry, hungry, football and randy (look it up - it's a Brit term). We will show an even broader range of emotions if you can guarantee you won't laugh at us at the informal gatherings in the ladies room (yes we know about the 'Gatherings').

As a bonus, I will add that men get together and talk about you like you get together and talk about them. We don't mock you though we do commiserate on the perplexities of the female-of-the-species. But in the end there is no doubt we are crazy about you - crazy being the operative word.

C. Arthur Young

Men: 5ive Secrets Women Don't Want You To Know (there are more but space is limited)

An Introduction to the Induction
What you are about to read could put your life (and mine) in grave danger. These are things men are not permitted to know and have the potential to bring down the deep, wide and altogether monolithic superstructure that is Womanhood.

Certainly, what I am about to reveal has been a closely gaurded secret since Eve conspired with the snake/serpent/devil to swindle Adam out of Creation (of course now we know Eve swindled both Adam AND the Serpent who now has a one way ticket to the darkest pits of hell).

I have (like all men) come to suspect that a written manifesto has been circulating since Gutenburg invented the printing press, passed on orally before that time, amongst women. This manifesto outlines all the rules, goals, aims and techniques of womanhood - it is the reason for both the power women hold over men and the paradoxical state of simultaneous unity and disunity in womankind.

This WoManifesto is the reason why the female of the species all seem to agree on everything regarding men, can communicate non-verbally at incredibly long distances, all love to sing 'I Will Survive' angrily at their men even if happily married/dating and never been cheated on, watch and cry at the Lifetime Channel and a host of other interesting and terrifying facts I can't get into now for fear of my life. Indeed my source must remain undisclosed, but it is likely that the content is very nearly verbatim.

Now it is well known that men have no such manifesto - and this is our greatest weakness and failing. Like Black people, men have no sense of unity or organization - hence we are left vulnerable and easily exploited by those who are well mobilized by a singular purposeful focus. Women, knowing how stupid we are, have taken full advantage of this, hence the contents of this note have the potential to upset the balance of power. But as men are blockheads - they won't be reading this, they will be watching the NBA Playoffs and the FA Cup - two sporting events invented by women to ensure sustained domination.

The Secrets

1. Do nothing by accident. That's right, you never met your significant other 'by chance' as you have hitherto thought. It was all planned at least 5 days in advance when you 'accidentally bumped into her' at the bank. It was orchestrated by her and perhaps with the help of other women as has everything since that time. The spontaneous way she asks you about about the financial plan for the next 5 years has been planned for years before. The fact that she demands you give her and answer in 5 minutes is part of her domination strategy. You will of course feel like a thoughtless fool - this is when she proposes her completely 'spontaneous' financial outlay. It should be noted that arguments are precipitated for specific purposes among them 'to see how he will react', 'to generate guilt' (see point 5), 'because there is nothing else to do' and indeed some women think that lack of arguments mean the relationship is not 'real'.

2. Don't trust anyone - especially each other. Women are incessantly and perpetually paranoid. They don't trust anyone - least of all other women because they all know what is in the confounded WoManifesto and know that they cannot be trusted. Men would feel the same way - but we don't know what's in the said manifesto and it's better that way. Women (and they are separated into various types - but that is another expose altogether) have corporate and individual aims. Some have no other goal but to get other women's men to look at them in order to make other women feel unattractive and they themselves can feel like a hotty. If a man looks at them, but he is single - it is worthless. The single most powerful thing a woman can do is 'steal' another woman's man as it elevates her in the pecking order. This is why women don't trust other women.

3. Pretend like you don't know what's going on. This is very important and is the basis for controlling mankind. Helpless females don't actually exist - they are expert mechanics, rocket scientists, tyre changers etc - ALL OF THEM. But pretending like they don't have a clue about certain things primes a man for endless service and makes him 'feel manly'. This 'manly' feeling is addictive and keeps us subservient. More importantly however, is emotional control. After thoroughly emasculating you through constant verbal attacks she will then wonder out loud what it could possibly be that's bothering you once you pluck up the courage to say something about the perpetual onslaught. She will appear completely oblivious and admit that all she wanted to do was to express that she thought you were the kitchen floor - an honest mistake.

4. Never be satisfied - even if you are. A central teaching in the WoManifesto. Once a woman knows her man loves her it is essential that she never express happiness and satisfaction. A man in love will do anything to make his woman happy - if she is not happy he will keep trying until she is. Hence, in order to ensure a steady stream of happiness-inducing acts one must never, ever under any circumstances express contentment or satisfaction in case he loses his edge and 'drops off of shape'. This of course comes with the risk that he may look for a woman he can satisfy - but they don't exist anyway, so he is doomed. Part of this 'quest of dissatisfaction' is perfecting the art of blaming everything - EVERYTHING - on the man. Once he believes everything is his fault (and it is - see I have been successfully indoctrinated) control is a fait accompli.

5. When in doubt - get angry or cry. To a man, a woman's anger/tears is more terrifying than anything else in Creation. Men would prefer to endure marauding wild animals, warfare and/or a vicious physical assault by drunken strangers (or assualt a stranger while drunk) than deal with a woman's anger/tears, this is proven by the level of violence and warfare in society. But this is a good last resort when on the verge of having to admit a weakness, error or mistake and is closely linked to point 4. This is part of another effort of some women to remain at the centre of attention at all times - but this will be elaborated on at another time - when it is decidedly safer.

Women who get angry at or disagree with these points are merely exercising points 3 and 5 - don't be fooled.

NOTE: Men are marginal in this manifesto as a means to an ends - the real battle is amongst women. Men provide little or no resistance but women are much more worthy adversaries for each other and spend inordinate amounts of time trying to get the one up on each other. No one knows why just yet - including women themselves.

PS I love my Empress

C. Arthur Young

BackLog: Black People Are Human – on Obama Being Elected President

At 3:00 AM GMT, USA [Nov 5, 2008] it was confirmed: black people are in fact human beings!
The shocking news came to an undeniable head when suspected African American, Barack Hussein Obama was elected by thousands, maybe millions of American citizens to be Commander-in-Chief - many of them human beings as well, it is alleged.
The suspicion that blacks were human is age old, but dismissed as myth and fancy by some generations of other human beings of certain races and nationalities. Blacks were often mistaken for lower primates, sugar cane processing plants, cotton harvesting machines, doormats, scapegoats, door opening mechanisms and similar types of labour saving devices. It is even believed that some tried to squeeze money out of black bodies using techniques now long lost - but only a strange red liquid would be the result of the extraction process.
This shocking discovery, some time in the making comes with its share of controversy. George W. Bush, for example, defied the belief that only white people were human by being often mistaken for a block of wood, a chimpanzee or a deli sandwich. Most often though, Bush would be mistaken for President of the United States - this famously went on for 8 straight years and indeed it seemed thousands - maybe billions of people were duped by the convincing rumour. This mass delusion led the entire nation of the United States of America to allow a very tasty looking ham on rye to take charge of the nation for several months - even leading the country into a dust up with Iraq that turned out to be a terrible misunderstanding. The ham on rye sandwich was very embarrassed and is reported to have felt quite sorry for the debacle.
At any rate, the election of Obama to the highest post in the US has left no doubt that blacks are indeed equal to their fellow men. Some still weren't convinced and wanted to enslave a few blacks again 'just to be sure', but they were shot out of a cannon before they could finish the sentence. That said, there are a few earthlings who are convinced only some are human and therefore superior to others by virtue of their skill in tying shoelaces, chewing tobacco and crushing aluminium beer cans with their foreheads. While these talents are highly respected by the aristocracy of nations the world over - conventional wisdom says the world has moved on from such things and a new era has come.
Obama's humanity began to become apparent from a young age - his arms and legs plus his ability to read were strong evidences - but it was his distinct ability to walk upright on two legs and speak in complete sentences that really brought him over the top (something which Bush has yet to do and therefore casts his humanity into hushed question yet again).
Still we accept this finding as scientists work feverishly to document this new development. Books must be re-written, names changed, butts kicked and heads scratched. Current US Vice President and Overlord of the Land of Darksquelch (most feared region of the Nether-World) Dick Cheney, reportedly said 'If I was human and knew what emotions were, I think I would be happy for Barack and black people everywhere...what is happy?' Cheney then allegedly disappeared in a puff of Halliburton Stock, but not before shooting a close friend in the face. The bleeding comrade offered his sincerest apologies for being such a nuisance. Cheney is known for his sharp exchanges with Satan. He has harshly criticized the Prince of Darkness for 'being a wuss on foreign policy'. Cheney takes on the post of Beelzebub after Obama's inauguration.
It is now taken for granted that black people everywhere can do things that normal human beings have been doing for centuries. No one quite knows how they will make the adjustment, but classes, programs and short courses will be started that blacks can attend to 'get caught up' with the skills. Some blacks buoyed by the news of the newfound status looked forward to 'walking down the street', 'benefitting from nepotism' and 'going to work'. Some even found themselves lost in the dream that they someday, could finally not tick the 'other' box on the race section of the many equal opportunity forms that asserted it never mattered what race you were, they ‘just wanted to know so they could treat you equally once they found out you were a minority’.
But it is with a new sense of confusion that we move forward. Who will we look down upon now? Who can we blame for lowering the value of our houses? Who will we exclude from the country clubs and closed circles of elitism? Who will inexplicably devote himself to the brave hero and then die 22 minutes into the film as per our blockbuster movies? These sober questions face us at the very cusp of a new era. And those to whom this noble duty falls will join a long line of really annoyed people. But as for us blacks - oops, I mean humans...it's onward, upward, forward!
The journey continues. I thank you! ;O)

C. Arthur Young