BackLog: Black People Are Human – on Obama Being Elected President

At 3:00 AM GMT, USA [Nov 5, 2008] it was confirmed: black people are in fact human beings!
The shocking news came to an undeniable head when suspected African American, Barack Hussein Obama was elected by thousands, maybe millions of American citizens to be Commander-in-Chief - many of them human beings as well, it is alleged.
The suspicion that blacks were human is age old, but dismissed as myth and fancy by some generations of other human beings of certain races and nationalities. Blacks were often mistaken for lower primates, sugar cane processing plants, cotton harvesting machines, doormats, scapegoats, door opening mechanisms and similar types of labour saving devices. It is even believed that some tried to squeeze money out of black bodies using techniques now long lost - but only a strange red liquid would be the result of the extraction process.
This shocking discovery, some time in the making comes with its share of controversy. George W. Bush, for example, defied the belief that only white people were human by being often mistaken for a block of wood, a chimpanzee or a deli sandwich. Most often though, Bush would be mistaken for President of the United States - this famously went on for 8 straight years and indeed it seemed thousands - maybe billions of people were duped by the convincing rumour. This mass delusion led the entire nation of the United States of America to allow a very tasty looking ham on rye to take charge of the nation for several months - even leading the country into a dust up with Iraq that turned out to be a terrible misunderstanding. The ham on rye sandwich was very embarrassed and is reported to have felt quite sorry for the debacle.
At any rate, the election of Obama to the highest post in the US has left no doubt that blacks are indeed equal to their fellow men. Some still weren't convinced and wanted to enslave a few blacks again 'just to be sure', but they were shot out of a cannon before they could finish the sentence. That said, there are a few earthlings who are convinced only some are human and therefore superior to others by virtue of their skill in tying shoelaces, chewing tobacco and crushing aluminium beer cans with their foreheads. While these talents are highly respected by the aristocracy of nations the world over - conventional wisdom says the world has moved on from such things and a new era has come.
Obama's humanity began to become apparent from a young age - his arms and legs plus his ability to read were strong evidences - but it was his distinct ability to walk upright on two legs and speak in complete sentences that really brought him over the top (something which Bush has yet to do and therefore casts his humanity into hushed question yet again).
Still we accept this finding as scientists work feverishly to document this new development. Books must be re-written, names changed, butts kicked and heads scratched. Current US Vice President and Overlord of the Land of Darksquelch (most feared region of the Nether-World) Dick Cheney, reportedly said 'If I was human and knew what emotions were, I think I would be happy for Barack and black people everywhere...what is happy?' Cheney then allegedly disappeared in a puff of Halliburton Stock, but not before shooting a close friend in the face. The bleeding comrade offered his sincerest apologies for being such a nuisance. Cheney is known for his sharp exchanges with Satan. He has harshly criticized the Prince of Darkness for 'being a wuss on foreign policy'. Cheney takes on the post of Beelzebub after Obama's inauguration.
It is now taken for granted that black people everywhere can do things that normal human beings have been doing for centuries. No one quite knows how they will make the adjustment, but classes, programs and short courses will be started that blacks can attend to 'get caught up' with the skills. Some blacks buoyed by the news of the newfound status looked forward to 'walking down the street', 'benefitting from nepotism' and 'going to work'. Some even found themselves lost in the dream that they someday, could finally not tick the 'other' box on the race section of the many equal opportunity forms that asserted it never mattered what race you were, they ‘just wanted to know so they could treat you equally once they found out you were a minority’.
But it is with a new sense of confusion that we move forward. Who will we look down upon now? Who can we blame for lowering the value of our houses? Who will we exclude from the country clubs and closed circles of elitism? Who will inexplicably devote himself to the brave hero and then die 22 minutes into the film as per our blockbuster movies? These sober questions face us at the very cusp of a new era. And those to whom this noble duty falls will join a long line of really annoyed people. But as for us blacks - oops, I mean humans...it's onward, upward, forward!
The journey continues. I thank you! ;O)

C. Arthur Young