5ive Things I Don't Get: from Jazz notes to Horn Tooting

1. Jazz - Have you ever watched someone listen to Jazz? They get this expression that's a cross between severe constipation and extreme discontent with the state of the world's economy - chin on fist. Music that has this effect can't be good for you. Jazz was invented by people who want to feel that what they listen to is real music but is actually a group of people doing whatever they feel like with what happens to be a musical instrument. Jazz is the modern art of the music world. If used soap or a toilet bowl can pass as art - then I guess Jazz can pass as music.

Honk if you're Hangry

2. Darn Tootin' - in places like the UK and Canada horn tooting is reserved only for very, very special occasions. In Jamaica we horn toot every chance we get. We have the 'thanks for giving me way' short beep, the 'the light just turned green .000001 milliseconds ago I can't believe you're still sitting there motionless' double-toot (preferred by taxi drivers), the 'you must be a confounded idiot can't you see I'm trying to run you off the road to get the red light to stop moving abruptly just in front of you' blare (also taxi driver preferred) and finally the 'blouse and skirt bredrin long time mi no see you which part yu deh, tell Aunt Maisi hello for mi and I will see you lata and remember dat ting whe yu have fa mi but no worry bout it still cause wi a good bredrin' rapid fire multi-toot long distance blurt. In the UK they only beep if they are absolutely certain that an approaching vehicle is going to smash into them at a rate that could result in multiple lacerations and the possibility of permanent skeletal and/or motor neurone damage with the likelihood of a lengthy inquiry into the cause of the smash-up coupled with a change in legislation and traffic management. If these things aren't likely then an accident is an acceptable outcome and the polite thing to do.

Route of all evil

3. Jamaican Taxi Drivers - If you don't know then point 2 would have already cued you in. They hold the firm belief that logic, courtesy, traffic laws and the laws of physics do not apply to them. They possess the skill to convince 12 people to squeeze into a 4 seater, successfully naviagate 2-wheel drive sedans in places that 4-wheel drive SUV's dare not go,cause & survive accidents that kill every one of the 12 people they convinced to get into their 4 seater and somehow manage to remain license holders in good standing albeit with 20 traffic citations while I lost my confounded license for 6 months after only 2 tickets! We all secretly want to be Jamaican taxi drivers (and are happy for them to law-break when we upon hiring their service are late).

4. The 12 People Who Squoze Into The 4-Seater Taxi - do I have to explain?

5. Bloggers - yes that's what I said. Especially the narcissists who somehow think anyone should give a hoot what they think about arbitrary lists of stuff nobody really thinks about anyway. Furthermore, who cares what they did or thought yesterday at Cousin Renford's house blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...blahdiblahblah.

But Seriously: The 5ive Things Women Most Want

1. Someone they can respect - this comes first only because a man worthy of respect will show the same. Every woman craves a worthy man though power, physical aggression & wealth are often mistaken for the primary qualifiers of integrity, confidence, and diligence. A woman wants a man who can 'handle' her (even testing their partner by crossing the line - sometimes too far - life has enough real tests ladies). But a partner who wins their respect fulfils another valuable female need...

2. Security - women often seek out powerful, rich or physically aggressive men because such things, on their face, should provide a safe environment. One can't run a secure home without a sense of physical, financial and emotional security after all. But the shortfall occurs when actual security is sacrificed for its authentic looking evil brothers. True safety is found in fidelity, honesty & industry.

3. Love & Affection - this could be a lot of things: romance, thoughtfulness, gentleness even predicting/anticipating her needs & fancies. This doesn't mean round the clock concierge service but some demonstration of endearment, physical attraction (not just sexual desire) and understanding of her moods & what influences them. That her partner knows her range of preferences from choice of movie to a dry toilet seat. A dry toilet seat in the down position can be a real turn on. Weird but true. The evil siblings of love & affection are sweet nothings (or lyrics in Jamaica), sex, material gifts (not inherently evil but without sincerity often lead to disappointment at the hands of a Playa) & domination/control of her partner.

4. Laughter - who doesn't want and need to laugh? A man who can help her see the lighter side of situations, challenges & herself is prime real estate and easily beats a hard body or pretty face. A sense of humour is the difference between a conversation & an argument - a problem & an adventure. Laughter's doppleganger is excitement and here sensual stimulation through overindulgence in alcohol/drugs, over-the-top partying & even danger, replace a genuine love for life. Laughter is often a measure of friendship too, and that is the last point.

5.  Friendship - this is where the whole listening phenom comes into play. Friends can be goofy together, mess up and even be at their worst without fear of rejection. Pretty self explanatory. The distortion of friendship is co-dependency: the unrealistic expectation that the partner is her source of happiness and thus responsible for her well-being and vice-versa. It is this relationship that a woman can receive the sense that her opinion & feelings are highly valued.

The points are nothing new and really won't change with time as they are our most basic relational needs. The thing to consider is where we go wrong in our search to fulfil these natural requirements. All dissatisfaction and enmity, suggests CS Lewis,  is firmly founded in the distortion, misinterpretation and dysfunction of not just the needs in question, but our overall human condition.

5ive Women You Should NEVER Marry...or date...or carry on casual conversation with

Gentlemen - this is vital to your survival as a normal functioning member of society. Should you encounter any of the following women - RUN LIKE HELL! Or pay the price. As for the Ladies who will inevitably read this out of curiousity or to find out if they made the list...you know I'm right.

1. Manny Manny This one is obvious and is known by other names. Fill in the blanks: H_e and Sk_t_l. Got it? You may have been initially attracted by the strategic absence of clothing and come hither looks. She is a recipe for disaster as her prime motive is to attract men - any men, all the time. She is charming, funny, sometimes appears innocent and features in Proverbs 5-7 (she may or may not bite her nails while waiting at the stoplight with a 'I'm lost' expression). You are only one of the many victims. Your only escape is to think with your brain - your brain. Got it?! If you fall prey - it's your own fault. You will eventually be attacked by the guy who thought he was her one and only. She has never had - nor will ever have a 'one and only'.

2. Psycho-Me Me The Psycho first catches your ear by somehow getting you into an argument. Her main means of appropriating attention is anger & conflict. She can turn anything into an argument with her power of super-attention-getting. She behaves like she hates your guts and hence targets 'nice guys' who will want to quell the conflict she artificially created. Like a piece of unwanted sticky-tape, you try to shake her off only to find she is stuck on the back of your head. She manipulates via anger & guilt and shouting is standard communication. Once she gets an emotional reaction from you - she has won!

3. Daddy Eyes If she mentions her Dad within the first 10 minutes of meeting you - RUN! This lady thinks her Dad is perfection and whether she knows it or not, wants to marry him. This means that no man is ever good enough for her. Dating her will lead to continuous comparison of yourself against the maginificence of her Dad and your self-esteem will dwindle to mere burning embers. She is likely to be spoilt and used to getting her own way, so the only solution to engagement with her is to say 'look your Dad', then make a mad dash for the door.

4. Histrionic Hottie Histrionic personality disorder is a real psychological affliction. The patient looooooves attention and will do anything to get it include getting sick. If she senses your attention being drawn away from her by petty things like work, family, the game etc. she will not just feign illness but present real physical pain/symptoms in order to get the attention back to herself. She will not be happy until every waking moment of your life is dedicated to her whims and fancy. Attending to this one is a full time job and everyday demands overtime.

5. One-Up Control Freak This Freak is characterized by an intense fascination and love for herself. She is constantly amazed by her own intelligence and ability to be correct 100% of the time. Her desire is to prove her greatness to you by outdoing you in everything. If a woman challenges you to arm wrestle it is likely she is the OUCF. She thinks your faults are proof of her own greatness and believes completely unrelated facts, like some female spiders eating their male counterparts, are sufficient evidence for her to dominate and rule you with an iron fist.

5ive Things I Don't Get: UK'd Up in England

1. Fences & Thieves. In England you can't build your fence above a certain height - why you ask? Because if a thief, in climbing over your fence to terrorize and dispossess, hurts himself he can sue you (see 5th paragraph in second link)! Indeed you are discouraged from using barbed wire or any kind of fence-climbing deterrent due to the fact it makes the thief's job that much more incovenient. How very dare you! Otherwise, if a burglar enters your house and proceeds to rob, beat and intimidate - do nothing! If in defending his new property (formally known as 'yours') you injure him - he again can sue you. In which case is it really breaking-and-entering or just suing-by-breaking...or something?

2. Saggy skinny jeans. I've already registered my befuddlement regarding skinny jeans - but this is even more befuddlementizing - skinny jeans that are saggy. Now baggy jeans are...baggy, so they sag - a notably African American fad. But the Brit fad is to wear skinny jeans down to the knees. But how, what with all that bum squelching tightniss? The result is an I've-just-took-a-huge-dump-in-my-pants type of look. I strongly suspect that the trend started because of dump-in-pants-takers trying to direct attention away from the bulges in the wrong places. How they got folks not to notice the smell? Bathing once a month is a good cover.

3. Public drunkeness. A huge problem in the UK. In Jamaica, we don't get drunk in public,  drunkeness is for old men in bars and it's considered weak and wussy. Besides we don't need alcohol  to publicly humiliate ourselves in the Caribbean when we have Carnival (wink wink)! But in the UK getting drunk is the most important part of the week for many - it is how they have a 'good time' (though they cannot recollect it). It also seems that women are far more into this public inebriation than men. Indeed, it was in the streets of Birmingham that I first  I  saw a waggle (just made that up) of women actually harrass and grope two men - first time. Wow. But I must say that alcohol fuelled street rolling provides lots of fodder for police reality programmes. Hurrah for contributing to media content and by extension the GDP!

4. Racism? What racism? Yes apparently the nation that invented hating-people-for -profit no longer has racism. It is ignored and almost taboo to talk about - with a white British person. I've tried and they usually get upset. The in-thing is 'institutional racism'. This, as I understand, is the idea that British people (white people specifically) are not racist but British systems are. So if someone is discriminated against it's nothing personal, just that bloody system operating completely autonomously. The system apparently fell out of the sky or erupted from a wart on someones butt. Who knows? At any rate it should be noted that the 400 years of slavery is completely left out of the school curriculum - so the Brits who are racist (and they certainly are not all racist) don't actually know that they are racist because no one told them - fair enough then! Ironically, the closest thing to what can be construed as 'institutional racism' or systemic discrimination is Apartheid.

5. State sponsored irresponsibility. When a sixteen year old has a child she gets a stipend from the government as well as goverment housing. Now, this is good in that teen mothers get much needed support - not good because teens abuse the system and do use a child as their meal ticket. This might be the reason why the UK has the highest rate of teen pregnancy in Europe. I reckon we're now heading into the second generation of kids raised by kids, which might mean that Supernanny will have loads of work. It might also be the cause of points 2 and 3, and indirectly, point 1. Now, that said, teen pregnancy in Jamaica isn't state sponsored, but may have a more sinister motive (in some cases) - but that is another 5ive Things altogether.

5ive Things I Don't Get: Celebrity Edition

Rourke after a run-in with a bad-tempered surgical knife

Joan Rivers fighting nature with desperation

1. Elective Cosmetic Surgery. The fact is anyone who does cosmetic surgery, to their face in particular, doesn't look younger, poutier or perkier. They do look tighter, bulgier and weirder though. In short, they look like people who have had cosmetic surgery - not like people who suddenly and inexplicably experienced a reversal of the natural aging process. How in demand are actors who look like they've had surgery? Well, Mickey Rourke was perfect for The Wrestler since he already looked like he'd been beaten to a pulp in a dark alley by a wayward wad of collagen and a  scalpel with a disturbed past.

Feeding the feeding frenzy that feeds the frenzy

2. Celeb Obsession. Why do people follow every waking moment of celebrities lives? We give them nicknames like TomKat and Brangelina. We want to know when they have opened their front gate and the velocity with which it was opened.  We buy their saliva encrusted, snot infused tissue paper. We want to see them 'being normal' as opposed to hovering 6 inches off the ground and glowing that heavenly glow that celebs apparently have. We blog about celebrity...Doh!

Paris: looking so good you could peel and peg her

3.  Fake Tans. Granted, celebs aren't the only ones who explore the darker side of artificially synthesized melanine. But like cosmetic surgery, fake tans only make someone look like they have a fake tan. If the sun was meant to make us orange then Africa wouldn't be the 'Dark Continent' - it would be the 'Faaaaabulous Contintent'.

4. Amy Winehouse. What...happened...how...why...why...what? Anyone? Anyone? Beuller?

Cruise filled with the spirit...of looney-wack

5.  Scientology. The religion itself is weird - but why do so many celebs flock to its mysterious strangeness? Does it account for Tom Cruise's sudden and unexpected dumping of Nicole Kidman? His terrifying and over-enthusiastic grappling of Oprah? His prodigious diminutive stature? Maybe his diminutive stature accounts for Scientology? Perhaps he is just an alien?

Women: 5ive Things Men don't Want You to Know (if we really thought about it...which we haven't)

To be fair, we do have to speak to the male issue.

It is already known we're none too bright, so the following 'secrets' may not be too novel, and women probably already know them. I'm in no danger from my brothers because they will either not read this or lose interest by the 4th line.

It should also be noted that men generally do not tell secrets because we rarely get a word in edgewise and hence when trying to say something - anything - it may be completely unintelligible. To a man, after all, being able to convey more then three words to a woman without being interrupted is a monumental accomplishment indeed and when we do get a chance to speak we are so surprised that we usually don't know what to say. Apart from that our block-headed transparency and womankind's prodigious intuition leaves us unable to have any secrets whatsoever.

Some of these points may also come in the form of free advice to women and give just a tad bit more insight into the male mind - what little of it there is.

Here goes!

1. Men DO care what you think/feel. Contrary to all evidence we do! It's just that we care for a maximum of 2,500 words or 5 minutes of sharing your feelings. After that we physically cannot ingest the torrent of emotions that you unleash upon us. As the ones who adore you we take your feelings personally. So when you are berating us as if we were the woman at work who wants to 'destroy you' it is an incredibly traumatic experience for us. We just think that if you realized we really care about your feelings you may never stop telling us what they are. Further, the woman sets the tone of any home - if you are happy, the home is happy. If you are miserable you will ensure everyone else is at least as miserable as you. So, we have a vested interest in your feelings.

2. We don't tell you our thoughts/feelings for your own protection. This is serious business. As men we think a great deal about several things including: nothing, what we would do if we were a cyborg, what life would be like if we never met you (sad, it would be very sad), what if someone attacked us with a chainsaw, are you trying to kill us and a host of other very disturbing and unhealthy material unfit for a woman's sensibilities. We just want to do our part to increase the peace. But having written this, the risk is run that you will absolutely want to know what we are thinking to find out if this point is true. Resist the temptation.

3. The reason we don't react the way you do, is because we are trying not to have a heart attack. Many women tend to think their man doesn't care about an issue because he doesn't react with the drama/emotion she does. The thinking behind this is that we want to help you be calm and also keep our own blood pressure in check. Using what could be considered logic, we think that what you will wear to work doesn't warrant tears, panic and nervous breakdowns. However, we do think that terminal illness and bankruptcy is worthy of a healthy dose of panic and a good 'freak out' is warranted for such things. We may even participate. However, if you do wish to 'go ballistic' upon discovering the extra $2 on the grocery bill, please allow us to be excused from the exercise - but we fully support your right to an emotional meltdown for any reason of your choosing. Men who have heart attacks have been unsuccessful at excusing themselves from the aforementioned meltdowns (may they rest in peace...finally).

4. We're as dumb as you think. Now we will never admit this - who would? In fact my admission of this proves this point. The problem with this point is that we are not entirely sure just how dumb you think we are - but you are probably quite accurate in your determination. Still, it is essential to prove you wrong in order for us to feel that we are worthy of your attention, affection and love. That said, our 'dumbness' may not be in the traditional sense of the term - men have proven they are smart enough to invent amazing technology, it's just that the technology primarily revolves around blowing things up - that's the dumb part.

5. We actually do have emotions. Yes this one is hard to believe and we don't blame you. We show our emotions very rarely but for a good reason - the last time we showed them you thought we were wussy pushovers and had no idea what we were talking about or 'where we were going with this'. By the time you were done with us we realized that what we felt was completely inaccurate and we had no right to be meddling with feelings and emotions in the first place. As it is, the safest range of emotions currently shown by men are: angry, hungry, football and randy (look it up - it's a Brit term). We will show an even broader range of emotions if you can guarantee you won't laugh at us at the informal gatherings in the ladies room (yes we know about the 'Gatherings').

As a bonus, I will add that men get together and talk about you like you get together and talk about them. We don't mock you though we do commiserate on the perplexities of the female-of-the-species. But in the end there is no doubt we are crazy about you - crazy being the operative word.

C. Arthur Young

5ive Things I Don't Get

You might be thinking 'who are you and why would I care about what you don't get?' Good question for which I don't have a good answer, except to say you might agree and hence find commiseration, or you might disagree vehemently and have someone to vent at. Either way, you're welcome.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="180" caption="Hundreds regret their deodorant oversight"][/caption]

1. CARNIVAL. I know there are many self-proclaimed 'Carnival Te Te's' out there - no disrespect. If you enjoy it then have a good 'un. But I just don't see the fun in tromping half-naked in public in very close proximity to sweaty strangers (hepatitis comes to mind) in the boiling hot sun from one point to another. It's like the movement of refugees but with bottled spring water, sparkly pants & music - very repetitive music to which only one dance move can be done i.e. chip an' wine. Furthermore - I would have to pay to do this! I'm sorry, but if I was to participate in a carnival roadmarch someone would have to pay me!

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="135" caption="Dress Shoe/Flipper combo?"][/caption]

2.POINTY MEN'S SHOES. They're in style and they're pointy (Winkle Pickers I understand they are called), sometimes with a little upturned toe to complete the Rumpelstilskinian look. But why would any normal footed male want to cram his feet into shoes that taper to a point merely milimeters across? Women apparently loooooove this stuff - but guys? Where is your sense of....common sense? If you wanted to make shish kebab with the tip of your shoe then fine. But surely getting from point A to point B would either be exceptionally painful or terribly embarrasing - I'm almost certain these shoes are a danger to small scurrying animals.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="144" caption="Television for masochists"][/caption]

3.LIFETIME TV. Ok, every single story is about a woman who 'has to learn to love again' after being wronged by some jerk of a man. She spends the next 60 minutes crying and shouting at her 'estranged daughter', then meets a wonderful man who helps her to 'learn to love again'. And the film titles! Anything from 'The Deserted Wife' to 'I Lost my Daughter to a Man I Don't Trust' One doesn't have to guess the plot. Sigh. Why? Why all the depression and man-hating? Indeed, why all the misogyny? Lifetime can't be good for people struggling with depression and very likely contributes to the number of those who do.

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="144" caption="Every way is the right way. Wrong!"][/caption]

4.MORAL RELATIVISM. The idea that morality is totally subjective, up to each individual to decide and there is no such thing as a 'sin'/wrongness just doesn't make sense. This would mean that the Holocaust & the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade have no wrongness whatsover - indeed nothing would be wrong including pedophilia or even cheating on one's spouse. Jews, Africans, parents & children and spouses are likely to have a few feelings about the morality of the aforementioned list. Moral relativism suggests that nothing is wrong with everything - make sense? No, I don't think so either.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="126" caption="Distilled essence of nastiness"][/caption]

5.MARMITE. YUUUUUUCK! If you don't know, you're one of the blessed. Nuff said.

I myself will add to this list but if there are things you 'don't get' please feel free to add em. For example - you may 'not get' people who don't get Carnival - touche.

Men: 5ive Secrets Women Don't Want You To Know (there are more but space is limited)

An Introduction to the Induction
What you are about to read could put your life (and mine) in grave danger. These are things men are not permitted to know and have the potential to bring down the deep, wide and altogether monolithic superstructure that is Womanhood.

Certainly, what I am about to reveal has been a closely gaurded secret since Eve conspired with the snake/serpent/devil to swindle Adam out of Creation (of course now we know Eve swindled both Adam AND the Serpent who now has a one way ticket to the darkest pits of hell).

I have (like all men) come to suspect that a written manifesto has been circulating since Gutenburg invented the printing press, passed on orally before that time, amongst women. This manifesto outlines all the rules, goals, aims and techniques of womanhood - it is the reason for both the power women hold over men and the paradoxical state of simultaneous unity and disunity in womankind.

This WoManifesto is the reason why the female of the species all seem to agree on everything regarding men, can communicate non-verbally at incredibly long distances, all love to sing 'I Will Survive' angrily at their men even if happily married/dating and never been cheated on, watch and cry at the Lifetime Channel and a host of other interesting and terrifying facts I can't get into now for fear of my life. Indeed my source must remain undisclosed, but it is likely that the content is very nearly verbatim.

Now it is well known that men have no such manifesto - and this is our greatest weakness and failing. Like Black people, men have no sense of unity or organization - hence we are left vulnerable and easily exploited by those who are well mobilized by a singular purposeful focus. Women, knowing how stupid we are, have taken full advantage of this, hence the contents of this note have the potential to upset the balance of power. But as men are blockheads - they won't be reading this, they will be watching the NBA Playoffs and the FA Cup - two sporting events invented by women to ensure sustained domination.

The Secrets

1. Do nothing by accident. That's right, you never met your significant other 'by chance' as you have hitherto thought. It was all planned at least 5 days in advance when you 'accidentally bumped into her' at the bank. It was orchestrated by her and perhaps with the help of other women as has everything since that time. The spontaneous way she asks you about about the financial plan for the next 5 years has been planned for years before. The fact that she demands you give her and answer in 5 minutes is part of her domination strategy. You will of course feel like a thoughtless fool - this is when she proposes her completely 'spontaneous' financial outlay. It should be noted that arguments are precipitated for specific purposes among them 'to see how he will react', 'to generate guilt' (see point 5), 'because there is nothing else to do' and indeed some women think that lack of arguments mean the relationship is not 'real'.

2. Don't trust anyone - especially each other. Women are incessantly and perpetually paranoid. They don't trust anyone - least of all other women because they all know what is in the confounded WoManifesto and know that they cannot be trusted. Men would feel the same way - but we don't know what's in the said manifesto and it's better that way. Women (and they are separated into various types - but that is another expose altogether) have corporate and individual aims. Some have no other goal but to get other women's men to look at them in order to make other women feel unattractive and they themselves can feel like a hotty. If a man looks at them, but he is single - it is worthless. The single most powerful thing a woman can do is 'steal' another woman's man as it elevates her in the pecking order. This is why women don't trust other women.

3. Pretend like you don't know what's going on. This is very important and is the basis for controlling mankind. Helpless females don't actually exist - they are expert mechanics, rocket scientists, tyre changers etc - ALL OF THEM. But pretending like they don't have a clue about certain things primes a man for endless service and makes him 'feel manly'. This 'manly' feeling is addictive and keeps us subservient. More importantly however, is emotional control. After thoroughly emasculating you through constant verbal attacks she will then wonder out loud what it could possibly be that's bothering you once you pluck up the courage to say something about the perpetual onslaught. She will appear completely oblivious and admit that all she wanted to do was to express that she thought you were the kitchen floor - an honest mistake.

4. Never be satisfied - even if you are. A central teaching in the WoManifesto. Once a woman knows her man loves her it is essential that she never express happiness and satisfaction. A man in love will do anything to make his woman happy - if she is not happy he will keep trying until she is. Hence, in order to ensure a steady stream of happiness-inducing acts one must never, ever under any circumstances express contentment or satisfaction in case he loses his edge and 'drops off of shape'. This of course comes with the risk that he may look for a woman he can satisfy - but they don't exist anyway, so he is doomed. Part of this 'quest of dissatisfaction' is perfecting the art of blaming everything - EVERYTHING - on the man. Once he believes everything is his fault (and it is - see I have been successfully indoctrinated) control is a fait accompli.

5. When in doubt - get angry or cry. To a man, a woman's anger/tears is more terrifying than anything else in Creation. Men would prefer to endure marauding wild animals, warfare and/or a vicious physical assault by drunken strangers (or assualt a stranger while drunk) than deal with a woman's anger/tears, this is proven by the level of violence and warfare in society. But this is a good last resort when on the verge of having to admit a weakness, error or mistake and is closely linked to point 4. This is part of another effort of some women to remain at the centre of attention at all times - but this will be elaborated on at another time - when it is decidedly safer.

Women who get angry at or disagree with these points are merely exercising points 3 and 5 - don't be fooled.

NOTE: Men are marginal in this manifesto as a means to an ends - the real battle is amongst women. Men provide little or no resistance but women are much more worthy adversaries for each other and spend inordinate amounts of time trying to get the one up on each other. No one knows why just yet - including women themselves.

PS I love my Empress

C. Arthur Young