My wife and I have always had the same feelings about kids even before we were married: we love everyone else's, but are happy they are...everyone else's.
Now if fate would have it that we have kids (please no) we would love and cherish them, but at present we haven't been hit by the deep need to reproduce that some are apparently overwhelmed by at some point in life. In fact, the more we see others with their kids, the less we want them.
Now we know some awesome parents, and their kids are brilliant. But they all say the same things when we ask what this whole parenting thing is all about. First there's a huge sigh, then 'it's a lot of work', 'it's 24/7', 'you'll always be tired', 'they can drive you crazy', 'you can't take your eyes off of them' and such. Then after all the disclaimers they add (as an afterthought) 'Oh, but no, yea, it's fulfilling. Gosh, so fulfilling', after which the child breaks something, slaps them in the face or vomits on the carpet. Yum, yum.
After many such testimonies, I'm absolutely convinced that there are no good reasons to have kids. I took an informal survey and asked a general audience why they had kids or what good reasons there were to do so. Some actually said it wasn't fulfilling, just interesting. Others said kids made you want to be 'a better person'. Some joked they make good 'remote controls' when the batteries die and can be great sources of income if you get them working early.
I know all the respondents to be upstanding people who are/would make great parents. They admit easily the challenges of parenthood, not so easily the benefits. But the common thread was a deep love, devotion and concern. Something I consider to be a lifetime prison sentence rather than a 'reason' to have kids. The idea that one would be tethered to this creature by an almost painful love is terrifying to me. The potential for disappointment seems endless, what with all the crazy people running around the world who are undoubtedly someone's children. One day, they might be mine!
You might say, 'what about your parents, aren't you grateful they had you?'. Yes, I am grateful, but I wouldn't want to be them. They had 3 boys - now three men - and we all turned out pretty good (all between 35 and 40). But what a loooooooong wait they had! It is the kind of kid I was that makes me so wary of parenthood. I always hear that your kids are you, only multiplied. I don't want to deal with me multiplied - I already have to deal with me times 1 every day! And that's enough, thank you very much.
Some thought I would make a great dad. That might be the most terrifying aspect about parenthood to me - what if I fail my children? What about the life-threatening delivery process? What if I discipline them too much, or too little? What if they die on me - or kill me for an early inheritance? Some folks say, 'ohh stop waiting, you'll do fine', to which I say, 'if you're gonna pay for 'em I can start tomorrow'.
Maybe one day, if we are blessed (or cursed) , we will have kids. But for now, looking in from the outside we're really going to need a lot more convincing. Either that, or we get an unexpected 'gift' that we just have to unwrap whether we like it...or love it.
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4 comments:
2 cents- i never knew what real love was until i had my two rugrats! truly, i have grown so much as a human being ( including weeping at news stories involving children and understanding why a mother will grab her stomach when her child dies). that selfish reason aside, watching two human beings grow that i created (with a little help from mr mike ;) and nurtured is fascinating. noticing the differences and similarities to their parents and how they follow things u do and don't do, while creating their own being can be scary but still an incredible process. and if they choose to sell crack, that is their choice. one thing for sure childrearing is not for the feint of heart. The other thing.. i have never been so broke! LOL! i recall my previous life without kids involving luxury hotels, extensive travel, frivolous nicknaks.. now NADA! but snacks, school fees, clothes and trips around the block for diversity.. ok its not that bad but seriously.
The thing i hear most in your blog is a deep fear of the "what ifs".. these plague all parents but if you allowed all the what ifs to plague you all the time your life would be nil.. no growth, no movement, just static. "we come here fi drink milk we nuh come here fi count cow!"
T
said...
Thanks Tammy that really helps.
I've never been in a luxury hotel & I don't have kids! Guess that means I'll never get my chance huh?
But that's a nice summation of parenthood.
I know exactly how u feel Craig as I share alot of the same fears. Having taught for so many years, I've seen the influence of good parenting and the repurcussions of bad parenting. I tell myself that I'm going to emulate the good examples but then I wonder if, even with all the best of intentions, what if the pickney just keep brukking mi heart?
It's not like it's a piece of clothing u can stop wearing because u don't like it anymore. There's no returns dept at the hospital so what do I do then????
Exactly Shingarai,
while there is the desire to mould a life there is always the fear of breaking one.
I suppose there is a selfish part of me (if I can be selfish with a non-entity) that loves the freedom i have too...
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