Giving Parenthood a Test Drive

Have I rented out a newborn for a few months to give parenthood the 'ol once over? No, but my wife and I are temporarily living with friends (we are in the thick of moving home) who have a newborn and a 2 year old, so I'm considering it a trial run.

Don't get me wrong, we're not considering having kids. But we know time is running out and sometimes think 'what if?'. This thought is quickly followed up with a 'hell no!' upon the hint of a dirty diaper insinuating itself into my personal air space. That and a few other things.

Based on my short time in such close proximity to the vocation, I have gathered through watching and babysitting etc., that kids reshape your life in profound ways. They determine when, where and what you eat and for how long. They determine where you live. What you wear. What you smell like. How much energy you have - or don't have. How much money...you don't have. They take, and take, and need, and need, and demand and wail and scream and, allegedly, give back only when they hook you up with a nicely appointed old age home...if they don't kill you for the inheritance first (my folks know what to expect - the old age home, they're broke). 

You can only get on a bus if there is enough room for the pram. We had to eat at McDonald's (ewwwwww) because that's what the kid eats, and then only if you can find a seat where the pram can fit. The newborn has to eat every 2 minutes so life must stop for that, and the stygian banshee wailing ensures that life stops for that. The house, schedule, indeed your life,  literally become theirs, and they don't seem to give a flying hoot.

I am amazed at the satiric accuracy of Family Guy's, Stewie, whose misomater shenanigans aren't that far from the truth. Children are masterminds of manipulation, and parents always seem to be the easiest to dupe! They smile, cry, pout, rage, holler, sob, laugh, hug and sometimes listen to you, all to get their way. They wrap mom and dad around their still developing little fingers with the ease and expertise of a practiced person-who-does-that-stuff-expertly. Not to mention the sibling rivalry that starts from day one. Sigh. 

No doubt, kids are a delight...in small doses. I love to hold the newborn and have gotten pretty good at getting her to sleep and such. Warming to the 2 year old, a very intelligent girl who loves to test the limits of disobedience, but has a confident and sunny personality. Their parents are wonderful people and in my inexpert opinion, are doing well at their chosen task. They love their kids and their kids love them (I think - you can never tell with those little freaks).  But so far the general message is that parenthood just isn't for me, I don't wanna share my stuff with anybody I guess. 

Parents: The Greatest Deterrent to Child Rearing (Next to Kids)

My wife and I have always had the same feelings about kids even before we were married: we love everyone else's, but are happy they are...everyone else's.

Now if fate would have it that we have kids (please no) we would love and cherish them, but at present we haven't been hit by the deep need to reproduce that some are apparently overwhelmed by at some point in life. In fact, the more we see others with their kids, the less we want them.

Now we know some awesome parents, and their kids are brilliant. But they all say the same things when we ask what this whole parenting thing is all about. First there's a huge sigh, then 'it's a lot of work', 'it's 24/7', 'you'll always be tired', 'they can drive you crazy', 'you can't take your eyes off of them' and such. Then after all the disclaimers they add (as an afterthought) 'Oh, but no, yea, it's fulfilling. Gosh, so fulfilling', after which the child breaks something, slaps them in the face or vomits on the carpet. Yum, yum.

After many such testimonies, I'm absolutely convinced that there are no good reasons to have kids. I took an informal survey and asked a general audience why they had kids or what good reasons there were to do so. Some actually said it wasn't fulfilling, just interesting. Others said kids made you want to be 'a better person'. Some joked they make good 'remote controls' when the batteries die and can be great sources of income if you get them working early.

I know all the respondents to be upstanding people who are/would make great parents. They admit easily the challenges of parenthood, not so easily the benefits. But the common thread was a deep love, devotion and concern. Something I consider to be a lifetime prison sentence rather than a 'reason' to have kids. The idea that one would be tethered to this creature by an almost painful love is terrifying to me. The potential for disappointment seems endless, what with all the crazy people running around the world who are undoubtedly someone's children. One day, they might be mine! 

You might say, 'what about your parents, aren't you grateful they had you?'. Yes, I am grateful, but I wouldn't want to be them. They had 3 boys - now three men - and we all turned out pretty good (all between 35 and 40). But what a loooooooong wait they had! It is the kind of kid I was that makes me so wary of parenthood.  I always hear that your kids are you, only multiplied. I don't want to deal with me multiplied -  I already have to deal with me  times 1 every day! And that's enough, thank you very much.

Some thought I would make a great dad. That might be the most terrifying aspect about parenthood to me - what if I fail my children? What about the life-threatening delivery process? What if I discipline them too much, or too little? What if they die on me - or kill me for an early inheritance? Some folks say, 'ohh stop waiting, you'll do fine', to which I say, 'if you're gonna pay for 'em I can start tomorrow'. 

Maybe one day, if we are blessed (or cursed) , we will have kids. But for now, looking in from the outside we're really going to need a lot more convincing. Either that, or we get an unexpected 'gift' that we just have to unwrap whether we like it...or love it.