Waist Not, Want Not: The Odd Fact About UK Jeans Size

For years I was a 32 inch waist. For years I've been an average man - at least in my jeans size. It seemed almost impossible to find a 32/30 pair of jeans because every other guy was the same size, or so it seemed. Always sold out. I did most of my shopping in the US by the way.

Then I moved to the to UK where, for some strange reason, I achieved a 33 inch waste. Eureka! One inch over the average and free to find my size of choice! But I say thee nay! Alas, it was not be. UK trouser sizes (they don't call em pants - pants are underwear in the UK) do not come in odd numbers.

That's right. You can get 32 and 34 - but not 33 or 35! Now, you can understand that I felt especially picked on by the fashion gods. At the very moment my waist grew, my size option evaporated into a geographic and cultural vortex. Now everywhere I look, what do I see? Size 32/30. My option is to squeeze into a 32 - which I can't, unless I follow the trend and wear my jeans at my knees. Or fladdap around in a 34/30.

Still, the deities (nay Imps) of couture have not yet triumphed! I, like Kratos of God of War I, II and soon to be III, fame (Copyright Playstation or something like that), will carve and/or tailor my own destiny! With careful thought I have calculated that a low-rise, button fly 34/30 can fit me like a glove - but only if it is purchased at a Next store. If I buy the same at a Gap outlet I will look decidedly hippie (in terms of physiognomy not ideology).

What baffles me is how the British male manages to ensure that his waist size is only even-numbered. Is it genetic programming or a product of evolution? Has fashion sense crept into our biology? Perhaps British men have been secretly bio-engineered to achieve only even numbered waist sizes and this is a conspiracy to reduce immigrant numbers! Surely there is something in the food (making Tesco complicit) that causes non-Brits waists to shrink or grow to odd-numbered sizes as is appropriate. This inability to find proper trouser size renders them a walking fashion faux pas and sends them running teary-eyed back to their country of origin and their foolish odd-numbered trouser boutiques!

It is an ingenious and diabolical plan, if it is indeed a plan. Truly ruthless. Still, this strict adherence to even-numbered waist sizes may explain the Brit males odd fashion sense (hahaha 'odd'...forget it). UK sizes seem to fit smaller than US (or I am just trending to lardiness) and UK men seem to like a nice tight pair of jeans that sags (if something tight can sag) just below their upper butt crack - which I will refer to as the bruptk. The British bruptk seems to be of vital importance and must be displayed as often as possible (a tradition long practiced by plumbers and handy-men the world over). This is not to be confused with the African American Hip-Hop trend of showing off the brand of underwear (or pants in the UK) one is currently wearing. Bruptks don't make an appearance in such cases.

All told my choice is to either drop a Jeans size or put on 1.4 Kilos. I shan't risk the latter as middle age and the ominous threat of a genetic predisposition to a spare tire growls at the door. The former is more likely, though running teary-eyed back to the Motherland is always a viable option. But with any luck I will trip on the jeans that would have fallen around my ankles. The Fashion gods will point derisively and laugh with uproarious laughter as I lay prone and weeping on the catwalk of life.


I thank you!