The Unbelievable Implications of Cologne Ads

I always found cologne ads a bit pretentious. The spartan but sensual voiceover whispering in come-hither, husky tones, for men, and in an alluring breathless French accent for women. Abstract scenes with incongruous elements, like a pensive white guy standing in the middle of the desert wearing his cologne contemplating an apple, as you do. But most annoying are the understated, and not so understated, implications of wearing the designer scents, now more often endorsed by big name celebs. Colognes ads usually feature White men with sex, or more accurately, promiscuity, as the primary selling point.  

Hugo Boss' Night ad features Ryan Reynolds, recently voted People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive 2010 (also a reserve for White men), as he stalks into his high tech, sophisticated apartment after a hard day of being incredibly sexy, unbuttons a single button of his perfectly tailored shirt, removes a cufflink dashingly and most amazingly, a white woman magically appears in his apartment with a 'you're gonna get lucky tonight' sashay. All, we must assume, based on his application of Hugo Boss Night. The ad ends with Reynolds recognising that coitus is imminent and stares directly into the camera as if to say, 'My cologne has made me successful and now, it has brought me sex...which I will now have', and cut. See for yourself.

Ryan Reynolds proves Hugo Boss 'Night' will make you a white, sexually active male

The real doozy for me though is Paco Rabanne's 1 Million ad. This features another European fellow, slim, toned with all the requisite caucasian good looks. He has the power to snap his fingers and win at the craps table and the roulette wheel, summon fur coat clad women, make their clothes fall off and conjure up bags full of cash.

This time you become a white male magician without a job - or a pimp

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being white, male, promiscuous and sexy - well something's wrong with promiscuity. But it's just the totally ridiculous premises that somehow convince some of us to buy these products. We know this is done with a myriad of products (including people who are products - celebrities) but if you are say, a 350 pound Chinese accountant who loves suspenders and puppies, do you really stand a chance of passing for Ryan Reynolds once splashing on a little Night? Will you even acquire a high rise city apartment shortly thereafter? Can the act of snapping ones fingers when doused with 1 Million somehow spontaneously generate a remarkably large sum of cash in neatly stacked, small bills?

I think that's why the Old Spice ad worked so well. It made it clear that the hot guy is the one selling the Cologne. The best we can do is smell like a hot guy - the rest is up to you or your plastic surgeon. Fortunately for me I look slightly better than the Old Spice guy. Braap! Only problem is it might encourage ladies to change their man rather than his cologne.